I know what you're thinking. Why should I care what unambig's predictions are for UFC 145 when the man is only right roughly half the time and has missed the hot bout on mmaplayground.com seven events in a row?

Well, I'll give you a few moments to think about that...

Understand? You're welcome.

Without further ado, to quote the cokehead Mike Goldberg... HERE WE GO:

FACEBOOK CARD (YAWN)

Marcus Brimage vs Maxim Blanco

Hm, let me think... don't care. Brimage is a TUF scrub and Blanco is best known for losing to Pat Healy in the minor leagues. Since Brimage is your typical Alpha Male without a game plan I'll say...

Blanco TKO Round 1

Keith Wisniewski vs Chris Clements

Keith Wisi... the Polish guy is best known for getting his ass handed to him by Josh Neer in his last fight while I had to Wikipedia Chris Clements. When that failed I had to Sherdog him. I still have no idea who will win. Which is perfect because these dumb fuckers are the hot bout. So I've decided to do what I always do when I don't know. I get a hooker to blow on some dice and roll them at the wall.

Clements by TKO Round 3

UNDERCARD

Mac Danzig vs Efrain Escudero

Boy it's going to be a dull first three fights, eh? Anyway, I guess Danzig takes this one, since Escudero can't seem to stay off his back and I think Mac will put him there more often than not. Escudero has a decent grappling game but he's a proven loser in the UFC.

Danzig by decision

John Makdessi vs Anthony Njokuani

This is the first exciting fight on the card. Both have superb standup and I expect this to be a very entertaining war. I also expect Makdessi to hurt Anthony big time. It seems he's the underdog, but that's only because he was choked out quickly by Dennis Hallman. Well sure, and so was Matt Hughes. Twice. The Canadian takes this.

Makdessi by decision

Matt Brown vs Stephen Thompson

Whoo whoo! What's that sound? It's the sound of a hype train hitting a motherfucking block of dynamite. "Wonderboy" is about to meet a UFC veteran who don't play that cute game of standing in front of a guy and waiting to get headkicked like a certain Dan Stittgen. Brown takes Thompson to the ground and pounds his hopes and dreams out.

Brown by decision

Travis Browne vs Chad Griggs

When two big men with the style of Browne and Griggs get together there's really only one logical conclusion. Somebody's getting introduced to Mr.Canvas. I predict a short, but harmonious relationship between Canvas and Griggs.

Browne by KO Round 1

MAIN CARD (...BITCHES)

Mark Bocek vs John Alessio

On paper Mark Bocek wins this. He's probably the better wrestler, better jujitsu guy, has fought better competition, and is tenacious at takedowns. But John Alessio has had three chances in the UFC and lost them all: first he was fed to Pat Miletich at UFC 26 in a championship fight at the age of 20. Then he lost a close fight to Diego Sanchez at UFC 60 when the Nightmare was 14-0 and had just beaten Nick Diaz. Then he lost to Thiago Alves just before his 7-0 run to the title. That's basically one champion and two contenders. So Alessio is no fucking scrub.

I think Alessio wants this more. He's dropped to lightweight where he'll be a beast. He knows it's his last chance to make a run for a UFC career. It's on.

Alessio by decision

Mark Hominick vs Eddie Yagin

Not much to say here. Hominick will win in a boring points-fest.

Hominick by decision

Miguel Torres vs Michael McDonald

It's the old lion against the young cub. I think Torres, like GSP, is gunshy since he was knocked out. McDonald brings power and quickness to the fight. If McDonald can keep Torres from taking him down, it's a no-brainer that he wins. Torres doesn't have the heart, drive, viciousness or determination to win this fight.

McDonald by decision

Brendan Schaub vs Ben Rothwell

Although Schaub got knocked clean out by Big Nog in his last outing, that's not exactly precedent-setting. Schaub is still a quick heavyweight fighter and should have more than enough skill to out-maneuver the plodding gas giant Rothwell as he revolves around Brendan. This will be a slow, but certain process.

Schaub by TKO Round 2

Rory MacDonald vs Che Mills

Che who? Seriously, who the fuck is Che Mills? Rory Mac is one of the biggest contenders at 170, and was 11 seconds away from beating number two ranked Carlos Condit (or at least getting a draw). I can't imagine any possibility in which a relative unknown beats him. I mean, there's always a puncher's chance. Then again, there's a chance I could get laid tonight. Neither are going to happen.

MacDonald by brutal KO Round 1

MAIN EVENT (AND THE ONLY THING WORTH PAYING MONEY FOR)

Jon Jones vs Rashad Evans

Every argument I've heard that gives Rashad a chance to win this fight has a more compelling counter-argument. Rashad is fast, but Jones has reach. Rashad has wrestling, but Jones has never been put on his back. Rashad has power, but Jones has never been hit hard which is a testament to his elusiveness. Rashad is tenacious, but Jones is a pernicious gameplanner under the coaching of Greg Jackson. There is no scenario here where anything happens other than Jones picks Rashad apart on the feet, then takes him down and splits his skull open with elbows. Should happen in the first 15 minutes.

Jones by TKO Round 3

That's it, folks. Now you can go to playground and adjust your picks according to the gospel.