Gustafsson vs Silva: Unambig report cards

Original? No, not even a little bit. In fact, it's the opposite of that, but here's the number of fucks I give:


Moving along, here are the report cards.


Jason Young (B) vs Eric Wisely (C)

Although credit has to go to Young for finally winning a fight in the UFC, more credit has to go to Wisely for being a moron. In 15 minutes of fighting, he demonstrated about 1 minute of good game-planning. For a kid with Frankie Edgar-like footwork and movement, too many times he was caught unable to pull the trigger and Young simply took him down.

With gifts like that, who needs a birthday? Young demonstrated good standup and decent ground control, though I really think this fight was more Wisely's to lose than Young's to win.

Simeon Thorensen (B-) vs Besam Yousef (C+)

Although the Norwegian got the win, he was badly outstruck in the first round by Yousef, who brought some heavy hands. Pretending I give a fuck enough about this fight to keep writing this sentence would be a lie to both you guys and myself, so here's where I finish. Good work Thorensen. Yousef, take some remedial choke defence training.

Reza Madadi (B) vs Yoislandy Izquierdo (C)

Ok, I think Madadi had something like one punch to Izqu... the Cuban guy's 50 punches. Much like Cyrille Diabate later on the card, this guy has incredible striking mixed with an incompetent ground game. Kudos to Madadi for surviving and winning a one-dimensional fight. Don't worry, Ben Askren makes a living doing that. I'd like to see the Cuban again though, after he tranes UFC more better.

Francis Carmont (C+) vs Magnus Cedenblad (B-)

How can I give a better report card to a loser? Well, first of all, nobody expected Cedenblad to survive five seconds in the cage with GSP's protege, let alone take his back and nearly submit him in the first round. Carmont fought a terrible first round and I can only imagine it's because GSP told him to fight like Frank Trigg.

Cyrille Diabate (C) vs Tom DeBlass (D)

Both fighters pretty much shit the bed in this one, making for a sticky mess that wasn't enjoyable to watch. Tom, taking the fight on short notice, came in and made this an ugly lay and pray. Despite the fact Cyrille has the ground defence of a sea otter, he couldn't sub him in the first. Tom, fatass that he is, then gassed and let the Frenchman come back for the win. Which was about as impressive as France's efforts during WWII.

Papy Abedi (F) vs James Head (A-)

Arrogant shithead who talks smack and mean mugs and poses with a stupid cigar in his mouth? Check. Gutless, heartless douchebag who gives up his back the moment the going gets tough? Check. Given his walking papers and sent back to Schweeeeden? Check. As for James, good work exposing this poseur.

Main Card

Brad Pickett (A) vs Damacio Page (B-)

What can you say? Pickett brought his A game. So did Page, but he sucks. The best you can say about Page is that he throws looping punches and can take a beating. Congrats, so can Leonard Garcia. Great fight to watch, nonetheless. Pickett was flawless for the most part, though he did go half-retard at one point when he tried to guillotine Page inexplicably while the man was doing his best Brock Lesnar turtling impression in the corner. He almost pulled a Big Nog there.

DaMarques Johnson (D) vs John Maguire (C+)

Booooooooring. "Darkness" knew John was a one-trick pony. Despite knowing that, he got gypsy-jujtsued by a lay and prayer FROM THE BOTTOM. Well, if Maguire was fighting someone who wasn't borderline top 50 we might be handing him a different report card today. But since he was fighting a TUF scrub who should be cut and forced to work a real job, we'll have to settle for a C+. Congrats, John, you can lay and pray and occasionally throw up a sub. Let's see how that works against fighters who aren't imbeciles.

Dennis Siver (C) vs Diego Nunes (D)

You know what they say right? If it aint working, keep bashing your bloody skull against the wall until the goo oozes out and you die from blood loss. That was Diego's gameplan, apparently. Well, that, and spinning wheel kicks that could were telegraphed from as far away as space. Boring fight, horrible game plans. What makes it worse is that Nunes cut Siver open like a tangerine at the end, but it was too little too late. I wonder if Kenny Florian was watching and wondering how he ever went the decision with this kid.

Paulo Thiago (F) vs Siyar Bahadurzada (A+)

Thiago's gameplan: stare at Siyar for 40 seconds and get knocked out. Well done, Afghanistan. I look forward to your inevitable clash with Erick Silva. The result could force a black hole in the centre of the octagon and pull in everybody close to the event horizon.

Brian Stann (A) vs Alessio Sakara (D)

Nice display of black belt jujitsu, Alessio. I really liked that move where you went unconscious for a second. Super effective. Stann, streaky bastard that he is, gets a knockout. Which means, of course, he'll get subbed in his next outing.

Alexander Gustafsson (B+) vs Thiago Silva (C+)

Alex is definitely top of the food chain. He's so rangy and dangerous that it's hard to think of many who could beat him. The comparisons to Jon Jones are somewhat valid, except Alex is even more dangerous because the man moves like a 205-pound frikkin Dominick Cruz! I still think an elite wrestler could give him problems, but good luck getting inside! As for Silva, I don't think he was that bad. Coming off a year suspension and facing top 5 or top 10 calibre can't be easy. Yes, he's one-dimensional, but he's also exciting. I'd rather watch Silva lose 100 times than GSP win once.

That's it, folks. If you don't like my report card, you know what you can do and where you can go.


I think he's dead, Jim.

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