UFC 155: The quick and filthy


UFC 155 is a "meh" kind of card. We're getting a rematch, a bunch of injury replacements, a recovering drug addict, a steroid monkey, and a bunch of fighters smashed together to create some semblance of a card. Personally, I'm probably going to save my ducats on this one.

(-275) Max Holloway versus Leonard Garcia (+303)

We all know how this is going to go down. Garcia is going to throw punches with all power and no technique, hitting air 19 out of 20 times. He'll connect a couple of times, make it exciting in the third round, and then lose like he always does. Dana White will make excuses for not cutting him after the fight and we'll have to see his fugly mug again in the near future.

Holloway by asteroid dodging (decision)

(-155) John Moraga versus Chris Cariaso (+175)

This should be a fun scrap in the midget division. Moraga looked great against Ulysses Gomez, while Cariaso has been one of the top 135-pound fighters for years, and looks even better at 125. Cariaso has always been a superior point fighter and I don't see that changing. Las Vegas is welcome to lose their money on Moraga.

Cariaso by pouty bitch face (split decision)

(-260) Todd Duffee versus Philip DeFries (+265)

Duffee is a jacked up juice monkey who likes to come out swinging and knock people out before he gasses from lifting up his roided out arms. DeFries is an awkward, gangly Brit with little to no boxing who will need to get this to the ground to win. I see Philip getting to the ground in a hurry.

Duffee by donkey dick slap (KO round 1)

(-220) Michael Johnson versus Myles Jury (+210)

MJ is a TUF scrub come legit fighter who's downed Roller, Ferguson, and Castillo in order. Myles Jury is a TUF scrub who lost to Al Iaquinta on one of the weakest seasons Zuffa has ever had. You do the math.

MJ by tea bagging (TKO round 1)

(-115) Melvin Guillard versus Jamie Varner (+113)

I'd like to think Jamie is coming to come back and reestablish his place at the head of the 155 table. I'd like to, but I feel like he's going to get knocked clean the fuck out. Still, Varner is a great wrestler, has a finishing game that is Guillard's weakness, and is no slouch on the feet. Plus, the crackhead is a crackhead.

Varner by villainous vainglory (submission round 2)

(-370) Erik Perez versus Byron Bloodworth (+350)

Other than having a cool fucking last name, Lord Byron doesn't have much going for him in this fight. Perez hits hard, has quick submissions, and has finished two guys in his first two fights. It's difficult to guess how long he might last. Much like the sexual orientation of Oilchek, this one's pretty much a toss up (or a tossed salad).

Perez by Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A (TKO round 3)

(+100) Brad Pickett versus Eddie Wineland (-105)

I'd be lying if I told you I knew who was going to win this fight. Fortunately, I'm a great liar. MMA Math says Wineland>Jorgensen>Pickett.

Wineland by virtue of the fact his name is an anagram for Nailed Wide End (Decision)

(-140) Chris Leben versus Derek Brunson (+138)

I know Leben is a drug addict and an alcoholic (and a fatherless bastard, according to some sources), but he's a drug addict with a huge left hook. I don't believe Brunson can hold him down for three rounds.

Leben by zombie attack (KO round 2)

(-105) Yushin Okami versus Alan Belcher (+105)

I think people are finally jumping on the Belcher hype train. And you know he's not going to get held down for three rounds either. He hits harder, has more than a decent ground game, and training with Ben Askren can't hurt his chances.

Belcher by Little Boy and Fat Man (decision)

(+100) Tim Boetsch versus Constantinos Philippou (-105)

Timmy can't get no love. Beats Hector Lombard and he's underdog to a guy whose best win came in a split decision over Jorge Rivera? Da fuck outta here with that shit.

Boetsch by barbarianism (decision)

(-200) Jim Miller versus Joe Lauzon (+190)

It's hard to imagine Joe Lauzon submitting Miller on the heels of the Nate Diaz victory. And yet Miller has the wrestling to keep Lauzon from getting his game going. History tells us this has almost no chance of going to a decision so have to pick inside the distance. I can't do it.

Miller by coin toss (decision)

(-180) Junior dos Santos versus Cain Velasquez (+186)

Look, until Daniel Cormier gets to the UFC or Jon Jones moves up to 265, I can't see anybody dethroning Junior. There's just no way.

JDS by domination (KO round 3)

That's it. Don't fuck it up now.


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