I'd be lying if I said I was going to watch TUF Australia on Friday afternoon at 3 p.m. Not only do I have better shit to do on a Friday evening, like the rest of the planet I work until 5. So, I guess this one is going to be watched at a later date on Mr. Torrent Site. The American TUF I'll watch though. And I can still offer my useless, pointless, frequently wrong predictions beforehand.

TUF OZZIE: The Smashes

Nick Penner versus Cody Donovan

I don't know what the fuck it is with Americans and the name Cody, but just stop. Only rednecks and rapists are named Cody, not necessarily in that order. At any rate, this is as much as toss-up as ordering the pub "special" beer, which is likely a collection of backwash from unused beer, the dregs from finished kegs, and a little horse urine.

Penner because he has a Wikipedia page and Cody doesn't (TKO round 2)

Brendan Loughnane versus Mike Wilkinson

If you watched the show, Mike was one of the tools on the British team who played a little in-out-in-out with a finger and his eyesocket. He had to have retinal surgery and now he's back facing former teammate Brendan Loughnane, a snot-nosed little fucker who looks like he was painted by fucking Picasso.

Wilkinson by buggery (decision)

Ben Alloway versus Manny Rodriguez

Manny was the bloke who (see, I can do their silly accident) had his leg broken in the process of choking the fuck out of the black guy on TUF Britain (don't make me look up his name, it's Ebola or something). Up until he got the X-Rays, he looked like the guy to beat on the show. Ben Alloway, on the other hand, was the cunt who picked his own teammate in the quarterfinals, making him a punk, like Mike Ricci.

Rodriguez by a rogering (TKO round 1)

Mike Pierce versus Seth Baczynski

Although Seth is on a nice little winning streak, Pierce has one thing to say: "My name is Buck, and I'm here to fuck." The wall and stall, lay and pray, grab and stab, slap and tickle, or whatever you want to call it that Pierce does, is going to happen.

Pierce by his bread and butter (split decision)

Igor Pokrajac versus Joey Beltran

The good news for Igor is that Joey has no intention to take him down and sub him. The bad news is that Beltran has a thick fucking skull, and better men than Pokrajac have exhausted themselves trying to split it open. In a way, Beltran is the Homer Simpson of MMA. He takes a fucking shitkicking and then comes back in the late second, early third, and wins.

Beltran by caveman skull (KO round 3)

Chad Mendes versus Yaotzin Meza

I don't think I've ever seen a guy get two fucking nobodies after being in a world title fight. Mendes went from Jose Aldo to Cody McKenzie, a guy who hits people with his face, to this Meza kid. I haven't seen this many gifts to one fighter since... well, since Anderson Silva's last three fights at Light Heavyweight.

Mendes by early, brutal, concussion (KO round 1)

Hector Lombard versus Rousimar Palhares

It's funny the UFC decided to match up the two muscled midget middleweights in one fight. Palhares has the best leg locks in MMA, but to land that move you have to get a guy down. Trying to get Lombard down is a little bit like sticking your manhood in a beehive. You're going to pay for it.

Lombard by roidrage (KO round 1)

Colin Fletcher versus Norman Parke

That snivelling, sobbing coward, who flinched like a bitch when he got caught using a cell phone in the house, will probably win. But fucked if I'm going to pick him over Freakshow, the star of TUF Smashes.

Freakshow by 3-day reach and crazy motherfuckerness (decision)

Robert Whittaker versus Brad Scott

If you look up the word "doucheface" in the dictionary, there's 14 paragraphs about Bradley Scott and a big picture. Every time he won in the house I died a little inside. I hope Whittaker, who demolished his opponents in a few minutes, puts an end to him.

Whittaker by Axe Body Spray (TKO round 2)

George Sotiropolous versus Ross Pearson

Look, Ross outclasses George on the feet all day, every day. But so did Lauzon and look what happened. Boy George is going to go for takedowns until he gets one, and then he's going to submit Ross and send him back to being a brickie.

Sots by revenge on smirking, annoying, butter-toothed Brit (Sub round 2)

* * *

TUF 16: The Fat Fuck versus the Dumb Bastard

Jared Papazian versus Tim Elliott

I thought we'd already established that Papazian is garbage, but apparently Flyweight is so desperate for fighters it's rummaging through the trash. Obama's America, indeed. Anyway, no chance.

Elliott by herky jerky (decision)

Mike Rio versus John Cofer

Rio I guess? I don't know, these guys are so low level that I'm pretty sure Zoila Gurgel and her eunuch husband could knock them out.

Rio by Tito Ortiz (decision)

Reuban Duran versus Hugo Viana

Duran's legit, but he hasn't fought since America was only $13 trillion in debt. It's now at least $16 trillion in debt. Hugo, much like all the TUF Brazil kids, is tough as shit, well-rounded, and doesn't stop coming.

Viana by having cool sideburns (decision)

TJ Waldburger versus Nick Catone

Here's what's going to happen. Catone is going to gas, Waldburger is going to get on top of him, grab and arm and submit him. If you thought Catone was gassed at Middleweight, just imagine how weak he'll be at 170.

Waldburger by having a German surname (Sub round 2)

Vinc Pichel versus Rustam Khabilov

Jesus, are we still going? Fuck. I have no idea who these guys are except that Vinc was on the TUF show that sucked a little less than the TUF show that was on this season. Flip a coin, bitches, flip a coin.

Khabilov because I'm growing tired of writing this (decision)

Johnny Bedford versus Marcos Vinicius

Bedford's not horrible. But the second this goes to the ground he's getting subbed or knocked out. Vini is a really complete fighter and he never, ever quits.

Vinicius by whatever he feels like (Sub in round 1)

Mike Pyle versus James Head

Pyle's enjoying a nice little career resurgence, but Head has looked both good and huge after dropping from 185. Beating Brian Ebersole cinched it for me.

Head by... hey, who doesn't want a little Head? (decision)

Dustin Poirier versus Jonathan Brookins

I hope Dustin learned something in his four-round drubbing by Korean Zombie. I hope he's going to catch Brookins coming in, take him down, and pound the fuck out him. I hope so, but I got a feeling dreadlocks is going to cling to Dustin like stink on a monkey

Poirier by deciding not to suck (decision)

Melvin Guillard versus Jamie Varner

Hooooey, this sounds like a barnburner. Still, on a balance of probabilities, the crackhead doesn't have the ground game to compete with Jamie. I think it could be fight of the night.

Varner by BANGFEST (decision)

Pat Barry versus Shane del Rosario

This isn't really a question of who will win, rather than how Pat Barry will fuck it up. Like he always does.

Del Rosario by virtue of Barry's braindead fighting style (Sub round 1)

Colton Smith versus Mike Ricci

Phew, talk about your douche and your turd sandwich. I don't have much to say about this one, other than I think Mr. Marines will take down the asshole and hold him for three agonizingly boring rounds. Might want to schedule a shit during this fight.

Smith via boredom (decision)

Roy Nelson versus Matt Mitrione

If TUF 16 taught me one thing, it's that's Roy Nelson is a horrible coach. If it taught me two things, it's that Roy Nelson is a horrible coach and a horrible human being. Having said that, Meathead is a meathead and will last all of about two minutes before he gets taken down, crucifixed, and beaten to fuck.

Nelson by first round bellyflop facefucking (TKO round 1)

That's it. This was a giant waste of time. Don't you dare think about recommending this piece of shit or I will hurt you physically.

P.S.: You're a cunt, ShivanTiger.