Are ya'll ready for this?

No? I don't blame you. Deciding to get up at 4:15 in the morning to watch a free card is sort of like a New Year's resolution. The promise is good for about 14 minutes.

Anyway, without further ado, a quick and dirty reference of your winners and losers for Saturday's card in China:

Mitchell, because Hun Gun Lim Dim Sun Kim, or however the fuck you say this kid's name, owns impressive wins over a total of zero fighters you've ever heard of.

Fukuda, because when you take the first three letters of his name and the last three letters of DeBlass, you get a pretty clear indication who's going to win.

Linekar, because he's a spastic spaz who will throw 20 punches for every one "Ur-shit-ani" will throw.

Cacares, because I can't help my man crush on Bruce Leeroy's improved ground game, evolving standup, and Afrocircus Afro.

Mizugaki, because Jeff Hougland is the 135-pound equivalent of Dan Stittgen.

Tuck, because regardless of the home town advantage, Zhang inspires a level of confidence that ranks somewhere between leaving your kid with a known pedophile and shaving your balls with a light saber.

Danzig, because the Fireball Senior Citizen will gas inside of three minutes, fall to the ground, and get choked into the same irrelevancy as Geriatric Yamamoto.

Kim, because Fitching Paulo Thiago for three rounds is my scheduled time to take a dump, make a sandwich, or do my taxes.

Silva, because fuck logic, I love Thiago Silva and he's going to leave Nedkov with an asshole the size of Gary Bettman.

Franklin, because the last time I heard somebody give this much advance notice to his opponent where exactly he's injured and how bad it's hurting is... never.

That's it. If you want to lose some more points picking my rounds and methods, be my guest: