FanPost

Browne vs Big Foot report cards

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First of all, let's address this Jeremy Stephens thing. Dana White absolutely did the right thing trying to bail him out right up until the Sheriff's department told him to go fuck himself. And he's absolutely right they would never, in a million years, pull this kind of bullshit on a boxer.

Let's face it, law enforcement likes to fuck people right in the mouth when they can get away with it. If they're going to arrest somebody, they'll wait until it's their wedding day, or their graduation, or a big fight in a major league promotion. The only time they step back is when powerful people with connections get involved.

Am I a conspiracy nut? Not even close. There's no reason they couldn't have held the arrest warrant until after the match and then dealt with Stephens afterward. I don't really know what he did yet, but clearly he didn't knock down any world trade centers or massacre villagers in My Lai. So, as Dana would say, what's the big fucking deal?

Look, Stephens is a redneck. He probably beats on people who get in his face from time to time. A redneck getting an assault charge is like a WASP having an S&M dungeon. It's just predictable.

As for Dennis Hallman, son I am disappoint. Clearly you have no business being at 155. And that non-gluten diet or whatever the fuck you're on isn't working either. I'm sorry to hear you're having problems at home, but that really has nothing to do with the fact you're a fat cunt.

UFC customer Rant

If Zuffa wants to know why people pirate their intellectual property, they need look no farther than last night. Seeing as how I'm on the west coast and working until 5 p.m. and the prelims started at 2 p.m., I bought the six fights on UFC.TV for $1.99. I know it's a tiny amount of money, but I didn't make up the price. So, when the video link didn't work when I got home at 7 p.m. I was fucking pissed off. I also bought the $9.99 main card, which did work.

UFC tech support was useless. I emailed them saying the prelims link went to a 404 not found error, which in the purchase confirmation email said was good for 24 hours of unlimited access. These brainiacs at tech support emailed me back telling me to clear my cache and reboot my computer.

It was a 404 error, fuckwads. The page didn't exist anymore. Nowhere in the purchasing agreement does it say, "You have to watch this video live or you're fuck out of luck, you stupid Canadian asshole. Now fuck off, dickbag, before we convince Obama to invade your country and turn your maple syrup drinking asses into America's chambermaids."

So, I had to find "alternate methods" of watching the prelims. I don't feel at all bad about it.

Kenny Florian and Jon Anik rant

These two fucking suck. They sound the exact same so you never know who's speaking, and neither really provide any insightful commentary other than cliches and updates of the clock. I mute the fights now.

My predictions: 7 for 10

Card's report card: There was nothing really earth-shattering, or exciting, and some of the fights actually kind of dragged out there. The star power on the card was near zilch, and the main event was really a fight that would be hard-pressed to make a pay-per-view co-main. Despite the number of finishes, it was underwhelming. Add in the disappointments of two cancelled fights, and I give it a B-.

Fight of the Night: Diego Nunes vs Bart Palaszewski

Knockout of the Night: Mike Pierce (UFC gave it to Michael Johnson)

Submission of the Night: Darren Uyenoyama (UFC gave it to Justin Edwards)

Biggest Upset: Justin Edwards

Worst judges' decision: Carlo Prater robbery

Most boring fight: Carlo Prater vs Marcus LeVesseur

Beatdown of the night: Antonio Silva vs Travis Browne

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Flyweight [125]: Darren Uyenoyama (A) versus Phil Harris (C+)

Prediction: Uyenoyama by decision

Result: Uyenoyama by submission at 3:38 of round 2

The UFC's midget division is doing pretty good so far, with many of the fights resulting in exciting finishes. This fight was definitely the real submission of the night. After a back-and-forth first round, Darren Uyourmomma worked from smooth transition to transition to finish the fight with a rear-naked choke.

Justin Edwards choking out Josh Neer was surprising, but technically not very amazing. Darren converted a beautiful kimura into a series of submission attempts, moving from back mount to mount, to armbar position, to rear-naked choke. It was beautiful to see, especially at the flyweight level where guys are harder to hold on to.

Harris didn't fight badly, but he probably should have stayed at range. Darren was doing some weird stuff out there, throwing his arms in the air like the Diaz brothers or to the sides like Shogun, and once where he even did a Karate kid crane pose. Which was funny and all, but not really effective.

Matchmaker time

Tim Elliott, who gave John Dodson a tough time, is available, although pitting a winner against a loser is usually bad form. Still, that's probably the UFC's only choice, unless they want to bump Darren up to fight against 11-1 John Moraga. There's also green-haired Louis Gaudinot.

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Featherweight [145]: Diego Nunes (B+) versus Bart Palaszewski (C)

Prediction: Nunes by decision

Result: Nunes by decision

Hello, my name is Diego Nunes, and I'm a decisionoholic. It has been four years and two months since I finished anybody or anything. I can't even finish my dinner, I always leave a little bit left over on my plate. I feel like I can't leave the table before I get a decision from somebody on whether or not the dinner is over, though.

But seriously, despite Nunes getting his 10th consecutive trip to the judges, this was quite a beatdown. He came out flying, knocking Palaszewski all over the cage, and putting it on Team Poland like a blitzkrieg. I gave the first round a 10-8 for the Brazilian.

Nunes slowed down considerably in the second round, but won it easily again. And despite getting rocked in the third, and gassing out very badly, I had the late knockdown giving Nunes an easy 30-26 decision. Clearly Diego needs to work on having enough energy to go hard all 15 minutes and not just the first 10, but otherwise a decent performace.

Palaszewski looked good in surviving the first round and turning it up in the third and rocking Nunes, but ultimately he wasn't on the same level and it showed.

Matchmaker time

Frankly, I think Nunes is top of the food chain. He only lost to Kenny Florian in a title shot eliminator, and easily beat Dennis Siver in a fight that was robbed by judges. The top of the division is a real clusterfuck. Nobody knows who's fighting who. Ricardo Lamas, Chad Mendes, Cub Swanson, and Chan Sung Jung all need fights. I like the Cub Swanson fight because he was supposed to fight him at WEC 40.

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Lightweight [155]: Jacob Volkmann (A) versus Shane Roller (F)

Prediction: Volkmann by decision

Result: Volkmann by submission at 2:38 of round 1

Chalk this one up to sheer carelessness by Shane Roller. By refusing to turn into Volkmann and possibly give up half guard or full mount, he left his back and neck open like a present for "Christmas." Hardy fucking har. Anyway, Roller fought with the intelligence of a white belt out there and was mercifully subbed.

Time to cut this failure. Going 1-4 in his last five, his only victory came in a takedown fest of fellow failure John Alessio. What's surprising is how far he's fallen so quickly, after many impressive wins in the WEC including an epic submission of Jamie Varner.

As for Volkmann, it's shocking to see him break his win-by-decision streak. The last time he submitted somebody in the cage he was fighting under the banner of Bellator.

Matchmaker time

Ok, let's not get carried away here. This was Shane Roller, after all. What about Michael Johnson? Both guys beat Danny Castillo. Both guys beat Shane Roller.

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Welterweight [170]: Marcus LeVesseur (D) versus Carlo Prater (C-)

Prediction: Prater by submission in round 1

Result: LeVesseur by split decision

I really don't understand how Marcus won a single round, let alone the fight. He never really landed a significant strike, and only ever got on top of Prater when the Brazilian pulled guard to attempt a submission. Marcus looked asleep out there, surviving submissions, but pointlessly clinching without landing anything.

Prater fought like an amateur, going to the clinch to try and find submissions, instead of working on clever ways to make transitions that would turn into submission opportunities. Jumping into a flying triangle and numerous guillotine attempts impressed nobody, least of all the judges.

With Prater's loss, you've got to assume he's done in the UFC. That's 0 for 3, if you count Erick Silva's demolition. As for Marcus LeVesseur, he's a perfect fit for Dan "Hot Garbage" Stittgen.

Matchmaker time

Who really give a fuck?

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Welterweight [170]: Mike Pierce (B) versus Aaron Simpson (B-)

Prediction: Pierce by decision

Result: Pierce by knockout at 0:29 of round 2

Finding a Mike Pierce fight that doesn't suck balls is sort of like finding $20 on the street. It doesn't happen very often but it's a nice change when it does. This was actually a good fight, despite every indication it would be a boring, grinding decisionfest.

When Aaron Simpson came out and immediately went into the Greco-Roman clinch I thought it was stupid, since it's the type of fight Mike Pierce lives for. But Simpson turned up the heat late in the first and put a beating on the grinder that I don't think I've ever seen anyone else put on him.

Then in the second round Simpson got caught. Look, it happens. You can't really fault a guy for that. And kudos to Pierce for landing a perfect punch. It was knockout of the night in my opinion, since the blow to the jaw put the lights out immediately, without any followup punches necessary. The foam spraying from the face of Simpson is still vivid in my mind.

Matchmaker time

Again, nothing to get carried away with here, which is why I gave the event a "B-". Pierce has always been hovering somewhere in the top 20 and that hasn't changed. Jake Ellenberger seems like an obvious choice.

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Lightweight [155]: Michael Johnson (B) versus Danny Castillo (B-)

Prediction: Johnson by decision

Result: Johnson by knockout at 1:06 of round 2

Pretty much a carbon copy of the Pierce-Simpson fight. Castillo rocked Johnson in the first and then spent a few minutes lying on top of him, letting him recover. Then Johnson came out reinvigorated in the second and clipped Castillo, followed him to the ground, and sent his soul to heaven. I can still see Castillo's eyes looking lifelessly to the side of the cage as Johnson jumped away.

Michael Johnson has to be one of the most pleasant surprises to come out of the Ultimate Fighter series in recent years. Despite losing the finale to Jonathan Brookins, Johnson's looked good since, and really turned heads when he handled Tony Ferguson at Diaz vs Miller.

As for Castillo, this is a minor setback. He still looked good in the first round and I think he'll come back with a strong performance next time out. By the way, anyone ever notice that Michael Johnson has some big motherfuckin' feet? And you know what they say about guys who have big feet.

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Matchmaker time

Thiago Tavares needs a fight and Johnson actually replaced him in the Tony Ferguson fight. Let's get it on.

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Welterweight [170]: Josh Neer (F) versus Justin Edwards (A)

Prediction: Neer by TKO in round 2

Result: Edwards by submission at 0:45 of round 1

Not much to say, really. I suggest Josh lay off the weed around the Diaz boys for a while because his last two fights have been abject shit. Two first round finishes and Josh is looking like a fucking can lately.

It's weird, too. Prior to the Mike Pyle loss, Neer hadn't been stopped since Eddie Alvarez in Bellator in 2010 and Mark Miller in the IFL in 2007. He's been renowned for his toughness and durability. Lately, notsomuch.

Not much to say about Edwards. He gets an A, I guess, for a quick finish. But is it because Edwards is fighting well or because Josh Neer shat the bed?

Matchmaker time

Although he beat Neer, I don't think Edwards gets a free leapfrog up the ladder. This was a guy who lost to Clay fucking Harvison not too long ago. I don't know. Matt Riddle?

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Flyweight [125]: John Dodson (B-) versus Jussier Formiga (D)

Prediction: Dodson by decision

Result: Dodson by TKO at 4:35 of round 2

When dwarf-midget champion contender John Dodson stopped Jussier Formiga in the second round and did a crazy run-flip against the cage all I could think to myself was:

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It was actually a pretty tepid affair, with Dodson circling slowly and throwing cautious jabs while Jussier tried futilely to get the fight to the ground. It was weird, because the tiny fighters usually move quickly and they were basically pawing at each other for the entire fight.

My prediction: Johnson will split Dodson from nape to neck.

Matchmaker time

Dodson is fighting Demetrious Johnson for the Flyweight title.

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Welterweight [170]: Jake Ellenberger (C+) versus Jay Hieron (C)

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Prediction: Ellenberger by KO in round 1

Result: Ellenberger by decision

What a dull affair. Ellenberger, rather than being the explosive, powerful fighter he usually is, played it "Safe-Pierre" style and jabbed Hieron and used late round takedowns to win a borefest.

Jay Hieron, meanwhile, had some pretty kicks, but other than that he did fuck all to stop Ellenberger from winning an uneventful points fight. He wasn't aggressive enough, didn't try nearly enough a diverse strategy of attacks, and didn't show anything in the fight that indicated he would be able to find a way to win.

Hieron, like so many imports from Bellator, showed that there's a major difference between the minor leagues and the majors.

Matchmaker time

Mike Pierce, as I said earlier

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Heavyweight [265]: Antonio Silva (A) versus Travis Browne (F)

Prediction: Browne by TKO in round 2

Result: Silva by TKO at 3:27 of round 1

Anyone know what the fuck Travis Browne was doing out there? Because I sure don't. First he started doing silly high kicks, then he was shuffling around like Dominick Cruz. The next thing I know he's wobbling around like he was Tonya Hardinged and knocked the fuck out.

Huge fail on the part of Browne. He had a string of impressive wins against guys like Stefan Struve, Chad Griggs, and Rob Broughton, and he came in and basically looked like this:

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Matchmaker time

Big Foot versus Stefan Struve? Could be fun stuff. Very apropos considering they both just won their headliners.

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That's all, folks. See you for UFC 153 where there's 13 (!!) fights scheduled. I'll probably have a quick and dirty breakdown on it later this week.

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