Browne versus Big Foot: The quick and dirty


I don't have time to do a big, involved, heavily researched piece tonight. So, I'm just going to do what your momma likes, and do the quick and dirty here. My uncensored, unfiltered thought process on each fight and how I think it's likely going to play out.

Uyenoyama, because anyone with a fucked up unprouncable name must have some serious inner rage issues. He's going to take Harris down and scream, "SAY MY NAME, BITCH! SAY IT!" And Harris won't be able to.

Volkmann, because dude is one of the best layer and prayers in the division, when he isn't being Sassangled. Shane "HOLLA" gonna know what feels like to be in prison. It's long, boring, and scary going in the showers.

Johnson, because he's been outstanding since being beaten by the White African Space Christ in the TUF Finale. Although Castillo will try and hold him down, good friggin luck. Johnson is one motivated black man. Er, Blackzilian.

Ellenberger, because he hits like a mack truck and Hieron is skin and bones. This isn't 42 B.C., or whenever the fuck Hieron won the first time. It's going to be over in a hurry.

Stephens, because he's long overdue for a knockout. And Edwards is just the sort of feller to give it to him. Lil Heathen is one of the most underrated fuckers in the division, and he hits as hard you'd expect somebody from Des Moines to hit you.

Pierce, because he's a boring split-decision winning motherfucker, who's just a better grinder than Simpson. Any surprise he's on the undercard, first fight? Nope, none whatsoever. His last fight was an abortion thrown in a blender.

Prater, because I need a submission on my picks. Zero other reason. Personally I think Marcus holds him down for three rounds. But hell, maybe I'll roll snakeeyes. That's good, right? I have no fucking idea, I've never rolled craps. That shit's gay.

Neer, because he comes out like an animal, hits in you face relentless until you're swallowing your own blood, and then mean mugs for the camera over your unconscious body. He's like Nick Diaz, without the chin.

Dodson, because nobody can hold this squirmy bastard down. And if you can't hold Dodson down, you're not going to win. Plus, he'll probably eyepoke the Brazilian just to be sure.

Nunes, because he's a points fighter and loves to win on points. He's got better standup. Not that it always helps him, such as in the Dennis Siver robbery. Nunes hasn't not gone to the judges since Amy Winehouse was sober.

Browne, because Big Foot's got nothing the Hawaiian don't. Browne's got reach, height, KO power, wrestling. He's going to spill another four gallons of mutant blood on the mat.

That's it.

P.S. Fuck the UFC for putting this shit on a Friday. I'll miss the whole event. Some people work for a living.

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