FanPost

Movie Review gone "Haywire"

Gina-carano_haywire_medium What's up Maniacs, I thought it would be good to discuss the latest and greatest vaguely MMA-related movie with you. Only, unlike Mr. Netherlands, I will not refrain from sharing the suprisingly lusty plot of this nudity-stricken film. The film revolves around our heroine, named Nomi Malone, who is hitchhiking at a truck stop outside of Colorado. A pickup truck pulls over driven by a sketchy character. She gets in, tells him that she's going to Vegas to dance. When the driver hits on her, she pulls out a switchblade and tells him to cut out the funny business. They finally get to Vegas. We fast forward to two months later, and Nomi has a job as a stripper at the sleazy Cheetah's Topless Club. The establishment is managed by the Al Torres, a slovenly low-life who also doubles as the club's MC. Nomi considers herself a dancer, and she feels that the Cheetah is a place where she can express herself and still make a living. Cut to Nomi dancing and grinding up against the pole and table-dancing for a few lucky gentlemen. While out dancing for fun at a nightclub called The Crave Club, Nomi meets a bouncer named Bimbo Slice. Bimbo is working with his best friend, Flank Steak Abbott. 4859-4840-kimbo-vs-tank_medium

via bigsteez.files.wordpress.com

Bimbo tells Nomi of a secret club he and Flank belong to that congregates every Thursday night in the basement of a house and have unsanctioned fights. They call this, "The Joy Luck Club". Nomi is confused at this name, but decides to tag along and see what it's all about. When they get to the Joy Luck Club, Nomi is amazed by the scene unfolding before her eyes. Men, filled with raw, unbridled aggression, fighting each other in a no-holds barred contest of wills. There's blood, there's gore, there's music! Nomi can't believe it, they're breakdance fighting! Tumblr_lk5zniqnws1qi2ywno1_500_medium

via 30.media.tumblr.com

After seeking out the club's founder, Mugatu, Nomi reveals her true plans of becoming a female cage fighter. Mugatu tells her he can arrange her first fight, but it will be against his best male fighter :The Cyborg. 20100626081333_img_1289_jpg_medium

via www.cdn.sherdog.com

Nomi accepts. She gets completely obliterated. She is beaten so badly that her head now faces the opposite direction, and she must walk backwards in order to see where she is going. Cyborg-beats-carano_medium

via cdn0.sbnation.com

With her fighting and dancing careers in threat of ending, she gets a spinal adjustment from Jacob Volkmann, who unwittingly gives her a treatment. Not being very bright, Jacob makes a joke about President Obama, and it is at this point that Nomi twists his neck sideways, killing him instantly, and revealing herself as a government spy the entire time. Roll to credits. -Judo
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