FanPost

MMA Technique of the Future


Hello Maniacs,

I haven't posted in a while so I decided it's time to discuss the future technique of MMA:

The cup check.

That's right bitches, I read cats on this site go on about "Pride Rules", and how head stomps and soccer kicks should be brought back. You know what I think of that? You're a bunch of pussies. Wanna be a real man? Implement the dreaded nut shot into the Unified rules.

Imagine how the sport would change. Tired of seeing Clay Guida hug people into a coma? BAM, hit him with a nut shot and watch him wince in pain as he asks himself why he ever thought of grappling. Sick of seeing tentative striking or too many clinches up against the fence? Hit that mofo with a deadly groin gouge and watch him crumble and give up his back.

Let's see a few excellent examples of this patented new move:

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Here we see Martin Kampmann clearly unaware of any impending danger to his gentleman's area. He thought that his opponent was only versed in the 8 limbs of muay thai. But guess what? Meet limb # 9 Martin. The best part of this move is how slowly it takes effect, causing an initial brush off followed by a drop to the ground and likely retreat to the fetal position.

Nut_medium

Ever asked yourself what a soccerball's life must be like? Well Chris Tuscherer's balls got a direct answer to this question when he fought Gabriel "the Vasectomy" Gonzaga a few years back. Not content to simply throw a quick cup shot, Gabe stepped into his motion and essentially ensured that Chris would never be burdened with midnight diaper changes or paying for any dependent's college tuition. That's ole Gabe Gonzaga, always thinking like a good accountant.

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Everyone knows Cheick Kongo loves balls. In almost every fight of his career, Cheick has been unwittingly drawn to the gravity of his opponents nether-regions, much the same as the Earth is drawn to the Sun. Cheick can't get enough potato-mashing fun. In this fight, Cheick decides that Mirko Crocop has had enough children, and does not want to see any more little Croatians with tight bicycle shorts roaming the streets of Paris. So he decides to do something about it. What's that Crocop? A nut shot? Better make it a double.

So there you have it Maniacs. But 3 examples of the efficacy of this underrated, underused and lethal technique. So the next time you're at the gym sparring and your opponent is getting the best of you, show him how a real man fights.

-Judo.

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