We must bid a fond farewell to the Pain Train

Friday night saw an end to the most glorious era in the history of the UFC heavyweight division. Brock Lesnar, the most massive, impressive and awe-inspiring figure ever to grace the octagon, announced his retirement due to some combination of health reasons, family reasons, a desire to return to WWE and a desire to not get punched in the face for real any more.

In light of this unfortunate event, I, as the driver of the Pain Train since Day 1, deem it necessary to disband the Pain Train and move forward to some cheap and unsatisfying replacement. I would like to offer a gracious hat tip to Puck, Jay, Deuce, Edgecrusher and all the others, too many to name, who have the good sense to recognize greatness when it appears before them and the willingness to battle valiantly in the face of the petty jealousy of the ABM.

Should Lesnar decide to "pull a Couture" and return to the UFC as an active combatant, we reserve the right to go all Blues Brothers and put the band back together. As the Pain Train signs off for what looks to be the final time, I would like to leave you all with lasting images of the greatness of The Brockness Monster.