To Interview a Legend You Have To Be a Legendary Interviewer

For at least 2 weeks dozens of regulars here have asked the same question:

"Where's ABB?  He hasn't been here routinely like before."

Since you asked I will answer.  It's really quite simple.  I have a hectic work schedule that requires a minimum of 60 hours per week.  I look forward to having a few laughs and the occasional MMA conversation at the end of the day.  A few weeks back I managed to secure an interview with Cain Velasquez.  The reason I secured that face time is because I am 36 years old and have a few decades of experience in being confident and using emotion as a simple way to manipulate the interviewee into wanting to do the interview.  Given the sharpness of this personality trait I am often asked to extend the time of the interview.  Sometimes that's possible but often times it's not.  

The reason I mention this is because these things take time out of my nights and weekends, leaving less time to post comments on Mania.  However, Tom (the owner of this site) has agreed to pay me to complete these interviews.  His thought is that if I am getting paid to do these interviews I will look at them as a job, not a social activity.  That allows me to seperate work from pleasure and ultimately leads to more time for me to be in the trenches with the peasants at mania. Site hits go way up when ABB hits the thread.  Tom readily admits that my attendance makes the difference between profit and punishment. 

The wife and I were in Vegas last weekend so I decided to head on over to Xtreme Couture and see if the natural himself would do an interview with me.  

I walked in to the gym and straight to the front desk.  There stood a doable blonde, probably an 8 of 10.  

Blonde receptionist (BR): how can I help you?

ABB: I'd like to interview Randy Couture right away.

BR: (chuckles) are you being serious?

ABB: (chuckles back) yeah i am soooooo serious.  Just go back there and tell Randy that I'm here.

BR: is he expecting you?

ABB: what does that have anything to do with this?  Is your real personality really this ditsy? 

BR: does a bear shit in the woods?

ABB: not a polar bear.  Let's stop with the hypothetical questions.  Trying to be a smart ass with me is not recomended.  Now, pretty please, with sugar on top, will you tell Randy I am here for the interview. 

BR: (picks up the phone) ok, yes, mmm hmmm, he's here for an interview, sure...I'll let him know.  Randy is finishing up a private grappling lesson and will be here shortly.  You're welcome to have a seat.

ABB: i'd love to but I've got a hemroid the size of your thumb hanging out of my chocolate slide.  Do you have one of those donut shaped pillows that's open in the middle?

BR: uhhhhh, I don't think so.  Oh- but guess what?

ABB: chicken butt.

BR: no but here comes Randy.

ABB: I bet you say that every time he mounts you.  Hey- is that Grey Maynard?  

BR: yes, Randy just finished a private lesson in the back sparring room. 

Randy Couture: Hi, I'm Randy.  

ABB: nice to see you again, Randy.

Randy: have we met before?

ABB: no, but that's irrelevant.

Randy: Irrelevant to what? 

ABB: let's not over complicate it.  I'm ABB.

Randy: nice to meet you ABB.

ABB: it is.  I'm glad you are getting the opportunity to meet me and be interviewed by me.

Randy: Have a seat.

ABB: I'd love to but if I sit on that couch it's going to look like and animal was slaughtered when I stand up. 

Randy: what?  Hey ABB, you got a light (puts a cigarette in his mouth)?

ABB: no.  You smoke?  Given all the workout videos of yours that I've seen I would have never pegged you a smoker. 

Randy: I'm not a smoker.  I only smoke after really good sex.

ABB: huh?  But that was you and Grey in a private session.  Are you saying....

Randy: leave it alone, ABB. 

ABB: done.  

Randy: so what do you want to know about me?

ABB: when you were in that movie "Brokeback Mountain" did you feel just a little attracted to Heath?

Randy: I wasn't in that movie.

ABB: how do you know? 

Randy: know what?  I was never in that movie.

ABB: whatever, suit yourself.  

Randy: I was in "The Expendables" last summer with Sly Stallone.

ABB: How long did it take before you realized that the name of that movie was a description of your fighting career?

Randy: do you want to talk about MMA or dudes on horses making out with each other?

ABB: the latter but let's talk about MMA for a second.  Did you know that your nipples won an award at the Oscars? 


ABB: me neither.  

Randy: so why did you ask me that?

ABB: because that's what MMAMania pays me for, to ask the questions our readers want answers to.

Randy: so you work for mmamania?

ABB: please don't interrupt me.  Let's not forget that I am the interviewer here.  So tell me this, Randy.  If you and Rashad Evans did a tittie twister on each other whose nipples would be more aroused?

Randy: how the hell would I know?

ABB: well, let me put it to you this way- if you could be any nationality other than caucasian which ethnicity would you choose? 

Randy: uhhh, black?

ABB: so you don't like latinos or asians?

Randy: I didn't say I didn't like latinos or asians.

ABB: yes you did.  You just did.  

Randy: are you trying to say I'm racist?

ABB: I don't have to say that, you just did.

Randy: are you out of your fu**ing mind?

ABB: most of the time, yes.  But anyway, moving right along.  How many guys take showers here at the same time, and are there private stalls or is it like prison?

Randy: upwards of 6 to 8 guys at a time, no stalls.

ABB: a regular old bath house.  I knew they still existed.

Randy: Bath house?

ABB: nevermind.  If you happen to be in the shower with your son Brian do you ever sneak a peek at his tree trunk to see who is bigger?

Randy: no, absolutely not.  And his name is Ryan, not Brian.

ABB: keep telling yourself that.  Maybe that way you can convince yourself that it's true.

Randy: it is true, I named him.

ABB: no you didn't.

Randy: yes, I did.

ABB: that's not always recognized as the best way to deal with crabs or athlete's foot.

Randy: what's not recognized?

ABB: cleaning the bath house with bleach.

Randy: look, I'd love to finish this but I have no idea what you're talking about.

ABB: Did you finish yourself or Grey Maynard off in that private room?

Randy: we're done here.

ABB: one last question: how can you call yourself "the natural" when you have breast implants?

Randy: goodbye (stands up and leaves)

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