About Last Night...: K-1 Dynamite!! 2008 (A 'PAIN FROM AN OLD WOUND' SPECIAL)

BZ, this one's for you.

But you gotta promise to think of me AT LEAST ONCE when you're popping your old lady during the honeymoon.

Congratulations, homie.

Alright, motherfuckers, let's ride this pony.

Rating Scale: 

There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I'm like Winnie fuckin' Cooper. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Sabu match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.

 – Ugh. The dregs. Usually using this time to get myself a drink, catch up on Twitter or drunkenly grapple with my friends.

 – Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office

 – Middle of the pack, baby! These fights are one of two fights: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame

 – A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going FULL ON GUIDA~!.

 – Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!

K-1 Rules - KOSHIEN Under 18 Tournament Reserve: Taishi Hiratsuka vs. Daizo Sasaki

For the life of me (I COULD NOT REMEMBER! That song was the jamhammer), I couldn't find footage of any of these young whippersnappers fighting.

No one seems to care about them, it seems.

Winner: Hiratsuka via KO (um, decapitation, why not?), R2 1:00

Rating: UNRATEABLE!

DREAM - Middleweight: Minowaman vs. Errol Zimmerman

Zimmerman is all Joe fuckin' Cucumber before the fight but Minowa looks like this is the most important fight of his life. Oh, that kid.

So Zimmerman tries to pull his Golden Glory stuff on that little Japanese man but fuck that, "The Punk" is taking this shit to the ground. He almost immediately starts grabbing toes and Zimmerman just clobbers him for a while.

Kudos for the commitment, Minowa, because that fool eats plenty-a-punch! Finally, being the clever little turnip that he is, Minowaman wrangles up Zimmerman's arm with his leg and gets the tap.

By the way, how the fuck did he get away with getting a nickname that just adds "man" to his last name? 

Winner: Minowaman via submission (toe hold), R1 1:01

Rating: 

 

 

 

K-1 - KOSHIEN Under 18 Tournament Semi-Final: Ryuya Kusakabe vs. Koya Urabe

Another one of the whippersnapper fights that I couldn't find online.

I mean, I COULD buy the Japanese DVD from Amazon for like $30 but fuck you guys, you don't put out and that's the only way I drop that kind of scratch on ANYONE.

Gimme some of dat sweet Maniac poonanny and we'll see what we can get figured is what I'm saying.

Winner: Urabe via TKO (doctor stoppage), R3 2:29

Rating: UNRATEABLE~!

 

K-1 - KOSHIEN Under 18 Tournament Semi-Final: HIROYA vs. Shoto Shimada

One thing I love about Japan is how people will capitalize their first name and that's what they go by. This cat from Pro Wrestling NOAH does that shit, his name is KENTA.

I saw this cat wrestle Mitsuharu Miswa in 2007 in New York City and nearly lost my goddamn mind.

There's a few different KENTA highlight reels on the 'Tube but I chose that one because it has Finch playing and THAT SHIT WAS THE JAM IN 2001!

Winner: HIROYA via decision (unanimous), 30-29/30-29/30-29

Rating: UNRATEABLE~! 

K-1 - K-1 MAX: Artur Kyshenko vs. Yoshihiro Sato

Kyshenko looks like the stereotypical Eastern European who is draped in sadness.

Kyshenko is taking it to Sato in the opening round. Not like Drago/Creed-type hard but he's cracking him good.

One drink down and only one Rocky IV reference? Consider yourself lucky.

Watching this fight has made me realize I haven't watched kickboxing in a minute. I once swore off K-1 after the 2004 Grand Prix Finals. The final match between Bojansky and Musashi was some ol' Japanese judging boolchit, I'm telling ya.

Alright, so Sato comes out with a little bit more belly fire in the second. 

Shit, I haven't had vodka in forever. Did it always taste this awful?

Seriously, this Kyshenko kid is fucking on point. He takes too much damage to the body but he counters like a madman. Also has a sick jab. ::Wikipedia's Kyshenko:: Oh, apparently he IS really fucking good. 

Winner: Kyshenko via decision (majority), 30-29/29-28/29-29

Rating: 

 

 

DREAM - Featherweight: Daisuke Nakamura vs. Hideo Tokoro

Holy shit, Tokoro latches onto a standing kimura early on and straight MOTHERFUCKIN' SUPLEXES Nakamura over and onto the mat. That shit was insane.

He makes a smooth as a baby's ass transition to an arm that somehow Nakamura gets out of?? WHAT?? THEN HE HAS HIS OWN ARMBAR ATTEMPT???

This fight is blowing my slightly drunk might right now. How is it that this has existed for two and a half years and I am just seeing it now??

And then Nakamura gets mount and then back and then, MOTHERFUCKING THEN, Tokoro gets the armbar.

Holy shit, watch this mess right now.

 

Winner: Tokoro via submission (armbar), R1 2:23

Rating: 

DREAM - Middleweight: Andy Ologun vs. Yukio Sagaguchi

No joke, I found out about Andy Ologun's existence when I went to Anthony Njokuanki's Wikipedia and noticed he was listed under "Nigerian Mixed Martial Artists." I clicked it and it has three names: Njokuani's and Andy and his brother's.

Apparently Nigeria ain't a hotbed for MMA. By the way, I've hung out with Njokuani and he's a cool guy so you motherfuckers should cheer him on whenever he fights because... shit, I dunno, because you like me?

I am seriously gonna die of fucking alcohol poisoning doing this shit. BIGGER ZINO I HOPE YOU ARE FUCKING HAPPY!

But wouldn't that be kinda bad ass, though? "Shit, dude, remember the guy who did About Last Night...? Yeah, well, that motherfucker died doing one that had 17 fights that some dude asked him to do. Yeah, his family is suing that guy."

So Sagaguchi judo throws Ologun over (I fucking love judo) and lands in half guard. Ologun is all, "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing down here" so he just grabs Sagaguchi's hands to keep himself from getting punched in the face.

Ologun tries to sweep him but gets caught in a triangle and then an armbar attempt. He gets out and apparently is pissed that Sagaguchi tried to win the fight because he beats the ever loving shit out of him.

"DON'T. YOU. EVER. TRY. TO. SUBMIT. 33. PERCENT. OF. ALL. NIGERIAN. MIXED. MARTIAL. ARTISTS. AGAIN!"

Winner: Ologun via TKO (strikes), R1 3:52

Rating: 

K-1 - KOSHIEN Under 18 Tournament Final: HIROYA vs. Koya Urabe

So as I said before I couldn't find footage of these KOSHIEN fights online so I couldn't recap them. But I figured for the finals, I would just... ASSUME -- not make you, of course -- what happened.

I waited until I was nice and liquored up to do this, though, so here you fucking go.

HIROYA comes out and kneels down before Urabe. Is he giving uo? Urabe is unsure of how to deal with this new development. At first, he refuses to come close but HIROYA assures him it is no ploy.

Urabe then begins to steps forward and TIGER UPPERCUT~!

THE ULTIMATE SWERVE! 

HIROYA draws first blood but Urabe is not out! He quickly regains composure and starts working his jab.

He's still definitely on wobbly feet and HIROYA easily takes the first round after his devious deed!

Coming into the second round, HIROYA tries THE SAME STUNT!  Urabe is falling for it. HIROYA holds out his hand and Urabe accepts! BUT OH SHIT!

Fucking booyah, you can't a motherfucker twice!!!

HIROYA gets up during the standing-8 but he is on Homosexual Avenue but refuses to go out. Urabe batters him but can't get the stoppage and the round ends!

No tricks from HIROYA going into the third and he is immediately on the attacks. Punches and kicks galore but Urabe does well to defend. 

HIROYA is relentless, though!

IS THAT A FUCKING GUN?! IS THAT A LITTLE GIRL?!

Yes, it is both of those things! But this is Japan and that shit fucking flies, no questions asked. 

But HIROYA and his plum-hair ally only finish off Urabe's corner while he is left standing!!

WE'RE HEADED TO AN EXTRA ROUND!

Well, this round goes by without much action and HIROYA jabs his way to a decision victory.

Kinda anti-climatic, y'know?

Winner: HIROYA via decision (extra round unanimous), 3-0

Rating: UNRATEABLE~!

DREAM - Heavyweight: Bob Sapp vs. Kinniku Mantaro

So I can't be this drunk but a Japanese guy with a blonde afro and thick ass 1980s Slick Rick dookie chains and a pink blazer is in the ring.

Is there... acid in this vokda? Wouldn't be the first time I fell for that trick!

Oh, shit. So Bob Sapp is fighting a dude who is dressed -- mask and all -- like the main dude from Ultimate Muscle. And he's got a kid -- probably a midget, though -- in the same get-up with him.

Japan, you so crazy. I CANNOT WAIT TO BE INSIDE YOU! Seriously, I've been wanting to go to Japan for a goddamn minute. 

Also, Sapp loses points for coming out to "Also sprach Zarathustra". I don't give a fuck how buttfuck crazy Ric Flair is now, THAT'S FUCKING HIS!!!

So this dude dressed up LIKE A FUCKING VIDEO GAME CHARACTER immediately takes Sapp down. Like, easily. Goddammit, Sapp. YOU'VE BEATEN ERNESTO HOOST ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS!!! Can't you just, you know, pretend to give a shit?

One thing I hate about Japanese referee is that "GIVE UP?!" shit. It's like, a dude's arm could NEAR hi opponent's neck and they're all, "GIVE UP?!"

Seriously, this guy in a mask and a skin tight body suit is winning a fight against a guy who has beaten one of the greatest kickboxers to ever live.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING???

But then suddenly "The Beast" sweeps and now HE is on top! Homeboy McMaskyFace gets on his feet and then tries to adjust his mask and gets clocking in the fucking face! HOLY SHIT!

That's pretty much the end as Sapp exhaustingly throws haymaker after haymaker until the referee jumps in.

What an appropriately ridiculous ending to a ridiculous fight. KUDOS JAPAN!

Winner: Sapp via TKO (punches), R1 5:22

Rating: 

DREAM - Heavyweight: Might Mo vs. Semmy Schilt

Shit happens in this fight until Schilt gets the triangle. BLAH!

Winner: Schilt via submission (triangle), R1 5:31

Rating: 

DREAM - Welterweight: Hayato Sakurai vs. Katusyori Shibata

Shibata runs out at the bell like a crazy person and what does Sakurai do? Fucking counter with a spinning heel kick. Baller.

From there, "Mach" gets on top and basically pummels Shibata until the referee steps in. I dunno who this Shibata guy is but I know Sakurai and that fool ain't one to be fucked with.

Winner: Sakurai via TKO (referee stoppage), R1 7:02

Rating: 

K-1 - K-1 MAX: Tatsuya Kawajiri vs. Kozo Takeda

Dude, Kawajiri is gonna stomp this fool.

Shit, "Crusher" catches Takeda early but I think it's more of a slip than knock down but Takeda gets the standing 8-count anyway. What's nuts is Kawajiri almost went TOTALLY MMA on him and nearly landed a punch on the ground.

How fucking hard must it be for MMA guys who fights in kickboxing bouts, FOR CEREAL??

Legit knock down or not, Kawajiri fucking swarms Takeda like a pedophile at a playground. Takeda is bleeding out his nosehole at this point.

You can tell Kawajiri isn't a kickboxer because his leg kicks are checked by even the most shitty of K-1 fighters.

Then, out of goddamn nowhere, Kawajiri lands the dopest fucking flying knee-walk off combination I have ever seen and Takeda is a bloody mess.

He makes it to his feet and exchanges with "Crusher" but falls down after seemingly not getting hit (?) and the referee calls the fight.

Fucking sick flying knee, though; I replayed that shit a few times over.

Winner: Kawajiri via TKO (man, I dunno), R1 2:37

Rating: 

K-1 - Heavyweight: Badr Hari vs. Alistair Overeem

Okay, I'm over halfway through this event. Holy shit, Zino, you motherfucker.

It's trippy watching all these fights via the interwebs because some of theme I'll hear in English and some in Japanese. This is the first one I've heard in Spanish. WEEYUD.

Overeem isn't rocking the shaved head look yet and he isn't nearly as big as he is now. 

Ahem.

Overeem catches Hari with a knee and then a hook and he's down!  He gets up for the standing-8 count (almost typed cunt) and starts swinging for the fences!

No, you fool! You still have two more rounds! Don't go for broke simply because of a knockdown! ACK! Too late! Overeem lands another brutal as shit hook and that crazy motherfucker Hari is done.

It is adorable to see Overeem skimper -- yes, fucking skimper -- off to his corner after the knock down, though.

Winner: Overeem via KO (punch), R1 2:07

Rating: 

DREAM - Heavyweight: Hong Man Choi vs. Mirko Filipovic

Goddammit, I just spilled my drink.

You have to appreciate the setup I got going on here. I got my HP laptop hooked up to my HDTV and a wireless mouse controlling the action from my couch while I type this up on my MacBook (fucking hipster, whaaaat?).

I got up to take a piss and whoosh. Fucking drink spilled. 

Also, Choi looks fucking ridiculous standing next to any regular human being. Seriously, what the fuck?

Alright, I've only got five more fights left. I'm drunker than Cooter Brown (THANKS GENO!) but this is for a fucking wedding present.

And that's fucking crazy. I never thought I would give someone something I wrote as a wedding gift. Fucking trippy, man. I tried to write this two nights ago but got waaaaaay too drunk. Like, couldn't figure out how to turn the computer on drunk.

BUT I DIGRESS!

Cro Cop looks like a child fighting an adult in this fight. He spends most of the fight circling around because Choi has like a 93" inch.

It's just too fucking bad he has ABSOLUTELY NO TECHNICAL SKILL WHATSOEVER! He's like the Yao Ming of MMA. IN HIS FIRST YEAR! You didn't let me finish.

Ming sucked his first year. And he wasn't that good after but WHATEVER.

Seriously, Choi looks like that Transformer that was made up of like six different Transformers. They would all form together and make that big one? The one that was in that shitty second movie that I wish I had never seen.

So Choi gets booted in the nuts and we get a small break and immediately after, Cro Cop lands a leg kick that puts the Japanese Paul Bunyan on his back and the fight is over?

Man, HUH?

Winner: Filipovic via TKO (leg kick), R1 6:32

Rating: 

K-1 - Heavyweight: Gegard Mousasi vs. Musashi

They show some foxy (originally typed "fucky") Japanese chick before the fight and we're off.

The drunker I get, the more particular I get about my spelling and grammar mistakes. Weird, right?

So Mousai gets a knock down within a minute after what appeared to be a small jab and of course swarms after the fight is restared. WHO WOULDN'T, AMIRITE??

Musashi survives the onslaught but there are no Japanese judges to save him this time.

Mousasi scores another knock down and literally, 10 seconds later, the fight is called off.

That's what I don't fucking get about boxing/kickboxing. You get two fucking knock downs in less than three minutes, what makes you think motherfucker is ready to keep fighting?

BLOODLUST!

I dunno, what the shit that means (I mean, I do but I dunno why I typed it) but I'm drunk as shit now. Like, I'm about to fall over while I type this drunk.

Deep breath, DEEEEEEEP breath.

Winner: Mousasi via referee stoppage (strikes... or mercy, whatever), R1 2:32

Rating: 

DREAM - Heavyweight: Mark Hunt vs. Melvin Manhoef

So Manhoef was a last minute replacement. REMEMBER THAT SHIT!

Hunt wades in and gets caught by a short hook by Manhoef and drops. Fucking just drops like a sack of dumbass potatoes. Manhoef stands over him and lands more punches but Hunt is UN-available.

This fight helped propel the Manhoef to insane Middle Easy jerkoff-levels but it's become apparent since then that all you have to do is have a decent shoot and good submission skills to beat him.

Winner: Manhoef via knockout (holy shit, did that just happen?!), R1 0:18

Rating: 

DREAM - Lightweight: Shinya Aoki vs. Eddie Alvarez

Aoki looks scrawny as shit at 155 but when he goes up to 170 he gets wrecked. 

Aoki does his whole butt scoot thing and finally gets Eddie to the ground and grabs onto a leg. Eddie tries to spin around but ends up tapping out pretty quickly.

I blame it on his ridiculous fucking eyebrows. Seriously, what the fuck?

Maybe you spend more time working on sub defense instead of hitting up Beautiful Nail, eh?

AND YEAH, THAT WAS AN ANJELAH JOHNSON REFERENCE.

Winner: Aoki via submission (heel hook), R1 1:32

Rating: 

DREAM - Middleweight: Kazushi Sakuraba vs. Kiyoshi Tamura

Alright, so I'm gonna go all old school MMA on you but that most significant fight in MMA history took place in 2007 when Sakuraba fought Masakatsu Funaki at Dynamite!! 2007.

And you can take that to the motherfucking bank, cash it, and live off it for the rest of your fucking life.

Saku ends spending this entire fight on his back throwing up pointless submissions while Tamura pounds the shit out of him.

I mean, ever since the Manhoef loss, Saku has been fighting on borrowed time. He didn't jack all in this fight and his only wins since then were a mean-nothing win against some shitty boxer and a submission win over Galesic but that fight should've been stopped long before Saku got the sub.

I mean, it was cool to see him get the win but I do need to see a motherfucker look like he got run over by a car before, though?

Then a decision loss to Ralek Gracie -- which ends the Gracie Hunter run -- and a submission loss to Jason Miller which... man, just fuck Jason Miller, there I said it.

And then Zaromskis almost rips his ear off? 

I haven't heard anything about Saku retiring but I hope and pray he is done fighting because I am sick and tired of seeing fighters I grew up with competing as shells of what they once were.

Winner: Tamura via decision (unanimous), 20-18/20-18/20-18

Rating: 

Thanks BZ for choosing an event that leaves me depressed as shit at the end, you motherfucker.

Alright, I feel like fucking Forrest Griffin after his fight with Bonnar. I'm exhausted but I know it was for a good cause.

Zino, I hope you enjoyed this shit.

Oh shit, it's fucking six in the morning...