About Last Night...: UFC 47 - It's On! (A 'PAIN FROM AN OLD WOUND' SPECIAL)

A middle of the night ALN...?

That can only mean one thing: Applejack done fell off the wagon!

Rating Scale: 

There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I'm like Winnie fuckin' Cooper. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Sabu match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.

 – Ugh. The dregs. Usually using this time to get myself a drink, catch up on Twitter or drunkenly grapple with my friends.

 – Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office

 – Middle of the pack, baby! These fights are one of two fights: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame

 – A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going FULL ON GUIDA~!.

 – Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!

Lightweight: Mike Brown vs. Genki Sudo

That's right! Before Mike Brown made a living from knocking out dudes with butt chins, he was getting subbed by THE BEST DAMN SHOWMAN IN MMA!

Oh, did I spoil the ending?

Like I would EVER ALN... an event where Genki losses. BITCH, PLEASE!

Only thing that sucks about these UFC picture discs is they cut out the entrances.

BUT HAVE NO FEAR, APPLEJACK HAS GOT YOU COVERED!!!

King of the fucking entrances. Jason Miller is fucking clownshoes compared to Sudo.

Brown spends the the first half of the round grinding Sudo against the cage before getting the takedown and riding him like a petulant pony.

But he played fuck around too much and Sudo was able to secure a triangle and then later an armbar.

Come back, Genki, I miss you.

Winner: Sudo via submission (armbar), R1 3:31

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Wade Shipp vs. Jonathan Wiezorek

So fights like Shamrock/Severn and Severn/Kimo get a ton of shit for being the worst fights ever.

This fight... this fucking fight... I just don't even know.

I must really like you assholes because I'm about to subject myself to this shit.

Wade Shipp looks like Keith Jardine's older, less-creepy looking brother and Wiezwhatever looks like a really fat Joe Lauzon who got his ears clipped back.

So both these motherfuckers go balls out in the first minute and I guess, they used to always finish their fights before this that early because they are absolutely fucking done after that.

Wiezwhat'shisface is throwing nothing. Not one fucking punch. He just rambles towards Shipp with his arms out like Shipp is his younger sister and he just picked his nose and is gonna touch Shipp's face.

MOM! JON PICKED HIS NOSE AND IS TRYING TO TOUCH ME!

Jonathan, stop bothering your sister. ::VODKA!::

Finally, with like 45 seconds left, Lil' Wiezzy gets Shipp's back and starts flopping his arms towards either side of his head and Herb Dean is all, "Fuck this shit and FUCK THESE GUYS!"

Winner: Weezlewoozle via TKO? (punches), R1 4:39

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Mike Kyle vs. Wes Sims

You know you're in for a good fight when you got two fucking cheaters going at it.

Remember when Sims was on TUF 10? I was hearing rumors that the UFC found him living under a bridge. Fucking internet, you so crazy.

Goldie and Rogan are talking about Sims training with Mark Coleman and Kevin Randleman like that's a good fucking thing.

So Kyle ends up in Sims' (yeah, fucking s-apostrophe! fuck this s-apostrophe-s shit) guard but nothing is really happening other than a can opener attempt which might be the lamest submission to ever get submitted by.

McCarthy finally stands them up and Hobo Wes is taking longer than Werdum to get to his feet. Kyle fucking BUMrushes him and unloaded. He clinches him up and lands a couple of knees and it seems like Sims waves to his corner to throw the towel in.

Kyle shoves him against the cage and knocks his ass clean out. When they announce Kyle as the winner, Sims is pointing to his man titty and shaking his head.

I have no fucking idea what that means.

Winner: Kyle via knockout (PUNCH~!), R1 4:59

Rating: 

Welterweight: Nick Diaz vs. Robbie Lawler

Awwwwwwwww, SHIT!

Don't be scared, homies, it's Diaz spotting!!

Listen, little Maniacs, I'm a huge Nick Diaz fan. I think this dude is like the MMA Axl Rose. And I'm talking fucking '90s Axl, not this Botox'd, braided freak parading around today.

Nick Diaz fucking sells fights.

So Lawler is supposed to be this young kid with crazy knockout power but he lost to Pete Spratt by leg kicks? Words?

Immediately, Diaz is talking shit. He's jawing at Lawler, throwing his hands up in the air, and sticking his chin out.

He drops Lawler but he pops up and starts smiling. If watching UFC has taught me anything, that means HE IS ACTUALLY HURT! THANKS, JOE!

Diaz keeps talking shit like he's Andrew Dice Clay and rocks Lawler again. Robbie gets all pissy and throws punches that don't connect and Goldie and Joe jizz themselves over it.

The Stockton bad boy keeps taking the center of the cage and about 90 seconds into the second, he lands a punch squa on Lawler's jaw and Robbie fucking pancakes on the mat.

Winner: Diaz via knockout (one hitter quitter), R2 1:29

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Andrei Arlovski vs. Wesley Correira

This is pre-manscaping Arlovski so he's still got that nasty ass shoulder hair.

I remember when I watched this fight live, my girlfriend at the time had this cunt of a friend and was like, "Oh, where is that Arlovski guy from?" And I said, "Belarus." And she said, "Oh, yeah, History major? Where is that?" I fucking said, "Well, not being a fucking Geography major if that's a real thing, I would say it's eastern Europe."

Lyndie... if you're reading this: you're a fucking cunt.

Anyway, it's weird to see Arlovski fight while still having his soul... y'know, before Fedor took it.

Remember what guys who fought in the UFC used to look like? They were kinda fat but tough and pretty good at whatever discipline they were trained in?

That's kinda what "Cabbage" was like but right around when dudes like Arlovski who actually used good boxing to win started showing up so it meant fuck all.

Ugh, seriously, Arlovski, wax those damn shoulders.

O HAI THERE!

Winner: Arlovski via TKO (punches), R2 1:15

Rating: 

Lightweight: Yves Edwards vs. Hermes Franca

So Hermes Franca is a rapist or something now?

Goddammit.

Winner: Edwards via decision (split), 29-28/28-29/29-28

Welterweight: Tiki Ghosn vs. Chris Lytle

Even though he lost, Tiki still wins because his penis has been inside this:

Winner: Lytle via submission (bulldog), R2 1:55

Rating: 

Light Heavyweight: Chuck Liddell vs. Tito Ortiz

Juliette Lewis is ALL about Chuck.

She's eh but I imagine the sex would be buttfuck crazy.

What's awesome about this fight is they've got Randy Couture, who is coming off wins over both these fools, commentating. Whatever they do, Randy could've been like, "Yeah, that shit didn't work against me."

Tito takes the center off the cage which would be a bigger deal except that he doesn't land anything.

Chuck goes fucking Wolverine berserker rage in the last minute and nearly puts Tito on Homosexual Avenue but the bleached blondie survives and then shoves McCarthy into Liddell and flexes?

"YEAH YOU NEARLY KNOCKED ME OUT BUT LOOK AT ME SHOVE THIS DUDE WHO HAS HIS BACK TO ME AND SHOW OFF MY MUSCLES!!!"

I dunno but that must have pissed Chuck off because it didn't even take him a minute to knock that fool out in the second round.

Winner: Liddell via TKO (punches), R2 0:38

Rating: 

Alright, there ya go, you jackals.

Also, I wanna take Tommy, the head Maniac, for suggesting Red Stag.

That's exactly what brought you this ALN... special.

I ain't no father but I am yo' daddy!