ABB Sits Down With Cain Velasquez

The other day I was reading through comments and fan posts written by our regular posters here at Mania.  I noticed that many of our regulars write killer fan posts.  Then I started thinking and it dawned on me that most of the people here have something to give to the site.  And then there's those who continue to take from the site.  Which one of these catagories was I in?  Did I have a dish to bring to this potluck or was I the guy who showed up empty handed, grubbed on the food, and left dirty dishes in the sink?

This architect from San Diego asked me to to come down to Burlingame, CA, to budget a job for him.  Burlingame is 40 minutes south of me and 15 minutes north of San Jose.  For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to drive 10 miles south to San Jose, home of AKA, to see if I could get in an interview with one of their fighters.

Sure enough when I arrived and walked into the gym I saw Cain Velasquez on his way out after practice.  So I asked him if I could do a short interview with him.   To my surprise he said yes.  Follow me after the jump to see what Cain had to say.

Cain: Who do you write for?

ABB: Myself.  I'm not associated with any particular organization.  I'm more or less a free agent.

Cain: Well where do you plan on publishing this interview?

ABB: Last time I checked I was the interviewer and you were the interviewee.  Why don't you leave the questions to me?  I am on a tight schedule right now.  I need to get this done in a timely fashion so I can move on to more important tasks.  Just answer the questions.  And don't answer a question with another question. If you ramble on about things they will likely get edited out.  So are you ready to move on and get to the interview or do you want to play mind games?

Cain: Yes, let's move on.  

ABB: I wouldn't be upset if you apologized for being rude.

Cain: Sorry about that.  

ABB: You should be so let's both just move on.

Cain: Let's do that. 

ABB: What was your reaction to the comments that Jon Fitch made to the media?

Cain: What comments?

ABB: Oh, you didn't hear.  Don't worry about it.

Cain: What did he say?  I need to know.

ABB: I don't remember word for word but he he basically said that you suck as a fighter, that you are overrated, that you sometimes go 3 or 4 days without taking a shower, and that you constantly plug up the toilet with massive dumps and never once have you bothered to get a plunger and take care of it.  He also said that sometimes you poop in a plastic bag and put it in one of your teammates locker.

Cain: What?  He said that about me?

ABB: Well yes, that was part of it.

Cain: What's the other part then?

ABB: Nothing major.  That you like to fart in a hat then scoop the odor into someone's face.

Cain: I'm gonna kill that mother f**ker. 

ABB: Well let's stay on track here.  Let's talk about Brock.  How did it feel to systematically dismantle Brock Larsen?

Cain: You mean Brock Lesner?

ABB: Him too?  Just answer the question.  You just did it again- answered a question with a question.  I told you not to do that.  One more time and I'm outta here.  I'm far too busy to deal with you wanting to do my job.  

Cain: I wasn't trying to answer a question with a question.  I was just correcting your mix up with the 2 Brocks.

ABB: It wasn't a mix up.  I'm well aware that there are 2 Brocks.  I wanted to talk about Brock Larsen first.  Let's not put the cart before the horse.

Cain: But I never fought Brock Larsen.

ABB: Yeah but what does that have to do with anything?

Cain: What? I'm lost.

ABB: Yes, you are.  You seem to want to talk about things in your own order but I need to remind you that this is my interview.

Cain: What order?  All I said was that I never fought Brock.

ABB: Well who the hell did you take the belt from then?

Cain: From Brock Lesner.

ABB: But you just said that you never fought Brock.  You going back on your story or something?

Cain: No, I'm saying that I never fought Brock Larsen.  I fought Brock Lesner.  They are 2 totally different people.

ABB: I'm aware of that.  Since you took the title from Brock Lesner why don't we talk about that instead of Brock Larsen?  I fail to see what your point is with this story.

Cain: Story?  What story?  Where is there a story? 

ABB: You fought Rick Story too?  He's significantly smaller than you.  That doesn't seem fair.

Cain: No I never fought Rick Story.  

ABB: Then why are you talking about him?

Cain: Talking about who?  

ABB: Brock Larsen.  Or are you saying that Rick Story is going to fight Brock Larsen?

Cain: No that's not what I'm saying.  I'm saying that Rick Story has nothing to do with this interview.

ABB: I'm aware of that.  That's why i don't understand how if I talk about you telling a story all the sudden you say you are going to fight Rick Story.  It makes no sense.

Cain: What the hell is going on here?

ABB: You are fabricating lies.  Say we were talking about wrestling and I said I was going to put you in a full Nelson.  Would you assume I was talking about Roy Nelson?

Cain: No, I wouldn't bring up Roy Nelson.  He has nothing to do with wrestling.

ABB: Well of course, but he is a black belt.  How long have you been wanting to fight Roy Nelson?

Cain: I didn't say that.  Get your story straight about Brock or Roy Nelson.

ABB: So are you saying that the winner of Rick Story vs Brock Larsen will face Roy Nelson?

Cain: Jesus F**king Christ.  I am totally confused.

ABB: As am I as well.  You keep bringing up all these fighters that are in different weight classes like this is some kind of tournament in 1993.  All I wanted to talk about was you winning the title.

Cain: Ok let's talk about the title then.  What do you want to know?

ABB: I haven't given this piece a title yet.  But it will probably be "ABB interviews Able Velasquez".

Cain: Able?  What the f**k are you talking about?

ABB: Your brother, Able.  You know, Cain and Able from the Bible.

Cain: The Bible? What?

ABB: It's a book of stories written some 1600+ years ago.

Cain: I'm aware of what the bible is but why do you say it's a book of stories?

ABB: Dude, there's no way that Rick Story was around that long ago.  How can you say that?

Cain: I can't take this anymore.  The bones in my jaw hurt because of this.

ABB: So are you saying that Jon Bones Jones is a dentist or a specialist of the mandible.  

Cain: Have a nice day, I gotta go.

ABB: Yeah you too.  Thanks for the rediculous interview.  I feel like I learned less about you and more about Brock Larsen, Rick Story, Roy Nelson, and Bones Jones. 

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