About Last Night...: Strikeforce - Overeem vs. Werdum

Did you miss me, motherfuckers?

Now, now, now... before you start tearing up and turning this into a Lifetime TV movie (my favorite one was the one where Paula Abdul was raped and then later starts dating this guy and he TOTALLY turns out to be the rapist... this was "Two Steps Forward"-era Paula, not "I'm going to be pilled up on American Idol every week" Paula), try to remember that this is MMA Mania and we're men here.

Men is what we are. 

So no crying and keep the hugging  to a minimum. Unless you address them as "bro grabs" BEFOREHAND! If you try to call that shit afterwards, you're out. Out, I say!

So I don't know what's been going on since last time I was here and I don't care to know. I've been living off the land for the past couple of months like the noble Apache and listening to stories about St. Pierre jabbing another person to death are boring when you know how to use an elk bladder as a drinking cup.

Anyway, there were some fights last night. You wanna know what happened or what?

So instead of being packed inside of someone's living room like a pack of jackals, my motley crew and I attended these fights LIVE and in person. Who joined me, you ask?

Cast:

Before the fights, we enjoyed some fine Italian food courtesy of Il Cane Rosso. Pizza pies, salad, and Shiner was enjoyed by all.

But we got there a bit before our reservation (yeah, motherfuckers, I'm an adult! I eat at restaurants that take reservations) so we Soccer Jordan and I decided to wet our beaks at Adair's Saloon which apparently was the best Country Western bar in Dallas in 2005 according to AOL Cityguide.

Yeah, I don't know what the fuck an AOL is either.

So I go to the jukebox to play some tuneage and no surprise, it's almost nothing but fucking country. I did manage to find "Immigrant Song," "Jailhouse Rock," and "Paint It Black" though.

The bartender then thanked me for not playing country because she was "so sick of it."

BITCH DON'T WORK AT A FUCKING COUNTRY WESTERN BAR THEN!

Anyway, after dinner we made our way to the American Airlines Center, home of the 2011 NBA Champions...

Aaaaah, it felt so good being in the same vicinity as greatness. Just breathing the same air Dirk does made my J infinitely better.

Rating Scale: 

There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I'm like Winnie fuckin' Cooper. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Sabu match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.

 – Ugh. The dregs. Usually using this time to get myself a drink, catch up on Twitter or drunkenly grapple with my friends.

 – Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office

 – Middle of the pack, baby! These fights are one of two fights: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame

 – A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going FULL ON GUIDA~!.

 – Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee...

Hold up.

Before anyone even THINKS about giving me shit for staying true to The Guida Scale©, you need to come fuckin' correct.

Yeah, his fight with Pettis was a snoozer. I hate it probably more than anyone. But bitch, don't you remember his three fights before that when he tapped them suckers out? Bitch, don't you remember his fights with Sanchez, Huerta, and Griffin?

This sport is full of "what have you done for me lately?" fans. You Maniacs are better than that shit. THE GUIDA SCALE© STAYS!

Okay, 'nuff said.

And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!

Lightweight: Magno Almeida vs. Conor Heun

I personally had Almeida winning this but Jumpin' Jonny brought up a valid concern during the fight: are there only like five last names in Brazil?

Silva, Nogueira, Gracie, Almeida, and Cavalcante? It's like they were the five tribes that ruled that land that is now known as Brazil centuries before the dawn of the new age. That's some fucking Bible-shit right there!

I think...?

Winner: Heun via decision (unanimous), 29-28/29-28/29-28

Rating: 

Lightweight: Gesias Cavalcante vs. Justin Wilcox

Ah, a member of the Cavalcante Tribe.

But on the real, Wilcox is fucking jacked. He isn't even built like a dude with a ton of muscles. He's built like one giant muscle became self-aware Skynet-style and somehow sprouted arms, legs, and a head.

All he needs is a shitty 1970s Swedish haircut, some shag panties and he's this guy.

Say what you will but Prince Adam would make a helluva halfback in the NFL.

Winner: No Contest via ouch time (eye poke), R2, 0:31

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Chad Griggs vs. Valentijn Overeem

I think it's adorable as shit that Strikeforce booked the Overeem Bros. together on the same show. Also, I'm sure the elder 'Reem is pleased as punch that his little broheim is successful so he can ride the coattails.

Well, that all came crashing down pretty quickly. 

Valentijn joins the ranks of GSP, "Shogun," and Bo Cantrell in the BJ Penn's Tapping to Strikes Means You're a Little Bitch Club.

To be fair, club membership does get you a ton of discounts around town at stores YOU ALREADY SHOP AT!

I used to fucking hate getting those coupon books that cost like $25 but had like, "$500 in coupon savings!" but they're all for places I never even fucking heard of. It's like, gimme a damn BOGO for Pizza Hut or something you motherfuckers!

Winner: Griggs via submission (strikes), R1 2:08

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Daniel Cormier vs. Jeff Monson

Too short for his weight black guy outboxes too short for his weight white guy.

Also, Too Short is awesome.

Winner: Cormier via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27

Rating: 

Lightweight: Jorge Masvidal vs. K.J. Noons

I pretend that "K.J." actually stands for Kareem Jabar. I don't know why but that would blow my fucking mind.

Anyway, Noons' boxing was supposed to be what would win him this fight but after getting outboxed by Nick Diaz and fucking mauled and hematomaed by Masvidal, I'm starting to get the sneaking suspicion the Noons' boxing might actually kinda fucking suck.

The Cubano basically had a sparring match with ol' Kareem Jabar -- who was looking an awful lot like Patrick Swayze in Road House if I don't say so myself -- after knocking the shit out of him in the first.

Sucks too because this fight totally fucked up my parlay.

Winner: Masvidal via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Josh Barnett vs. Brett Rogers

I don't like Josh Barnett. And I don't make it a point to hide that. In fact, when someone asks me what my favorite sport is, I said, "I love mixed martial arts. Y'know, like UFC? But fuck Josh Barnett. Fuck him and three dudes that look like him."

I just like to make sure that shit is out on front street.

So he gets full mount on Rogers in like a minute and doesn't finish. Second round, he gets mount in like 30 seconds and FINALLY gets the finish. 

Dude, really? You still think Rogers is worth a damn? What's his claim to fame? Beating Arlovski after the dude already had his soul taken by Fedor? Or going one round with Fedor? THAT'S why this guy keeps showing up on my TV?

So after the fight, Barnett cuts a babyface-style pro wrestling promo that outraged and downright confused the rest. Look, I love that rasslin' as much as the next guy (assuming the next guy isn't this guy:) but Barnett's promo fucking blew. You wanna see a promo? This is a fucking promo:

Winner: Barnett via submission (arm triangle), R2 1:17

Rating: 

Heavyweight: Alistair Overeem (UBEREEM~!) vs. Fabricio Werdum

Let me say this now: if you thought you were being clever or sly or whatever, betting on Werdum because his odds as the 'dog were so damn good, then you're a goddamn idiot. You might as well have taken that money, shoved it up your ass, shit it out, and then set it on fire.

Because even when he doesn't even really fight, he still wins.

But seriously, this fight fucking sucked. I got flashbacks of Silva/Leites and became enraged and started roundhouse kicking everyone.

Winner: Overeem via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/29-28

Rating: 

We fucking bolted before the decision was read and before the last local fight which Strikeforce didn't bother to remind us about.

I'm sure Todd Moore and Mike Bronzoulis really appreciate that you guys.

Feeling pissy from losing my bets thanks to Noons' shitty boxing and the bullshit main event, I was ready to get some titties in my house.

So we went to The Lodge.

And apparently it was Soccer Jordan's FIRST time at a strip club! So I was more than happy to pay for his first lap dance. 

It also seemed that every single of the strippers who g-string I slipped a dollar into freaking loved my nose and lip rings. There was one girl who wouldn't... stop... smiling... and it just creeped us the fuck out.

I decided to give Smiley a dollar and she fucking wouldn't shut up about them. Her name was "Chris" but I dunno if that was her real name or her "I hate my dad" name.

Strip clubs are fun but they sure are an expensive way to end up wanking off.