Two ALNs... in three days? Papa Sergio loves his little Maniacs.
Also, that reminds me. I've been noticing a few of you using the "ABL" acronym. That's wrong. It's "ALN."
And you have me to blame.
I'm a nitwit and have issues with letters or something and referred to the column as ABL a few times and some of you surely thought, "Well, the dude who writes it says that's what it is so I guess that's what it is" but failed to realize that aforementioned dude is a jackwagon.
So apologies. Apologies all around. I never meant to steer you guys wrong. You're like the gigantic, perverted, amoral, dysfunctional family I never had.
I write this while watching Zombie Strippers on Netflix Instant. Look, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I wouldn't bang Jenna Jameson. I probably would. But would I have a couple of kids with her? Absolutely not. C'mon, Tito, you used to be the Light Heavyweight champ.
This is seriously the worst movie ever but on top of that, it's factually inaccurate. I've never been to a strip club where the DJ was so nonchalant. He's like, "Oh, wow, there's some stuff going on and it's pretty nuts, I guess." Maybe I should go to skeezier titty bars to experience such things.
Although Jameson shooting pool balls out her blown out binglebangle was pretty awesome, I will admit that. Even more impressive considering no CGI was used.
And now... FIGHT FIGHTS!
There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Rob Van Dam match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.
– Ugh. Like forks in my eyes. Usually using this time to get myself a drink or catch up on Twitter (SHAMELESS PLUG~!: @SERG1Otx).
– Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office.
– Middle of the pack! These fights go one of two ways: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame.
– A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going FULL ON GUIDA~!.
– Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!
And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!
Lightweight: Billy Evangelista vs. Jorge Masvidal
Masvidal looks like K-Fed. First round is a bunch of circling around and clinching so far. K-Fed should be more hungry than this, that Britney money is all gone, I'm sure. He does spend the round picking away at Evangelista, though so he wins the round.
K-Fed is basically having his way with Billy. If he were half as good at rapping as he is at kicking this guy's ass, Popo Zao would have shot up the charts.
Masvidal is having fun in there, moving his head around Ali-style and smiling. That's some gangster ish right there.
At one point, they clinch up and Masvidal pushes off and lands an elbow and Ranallo loses his mind like it was the single greatest strike in the history of combat sports. Mauro Ranallo, you're doing it wrong.
This is weird, apparently they're reenacting Anderson Silva vs. Demian Maia on the Strikeforce. Didn't get that press release.
Winner: Masvidal via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27
Middleweight: Tim Kennedy vs. Melvin Manhoef
Every time Melvin Manhoef fights, I try to buy a life insurance policy on his opponents. It just makes sense.
Manhoef has crazy eyes in this fight. I love it. Kennedy wants to take him down so bad but Manhoef ain't having none of that mess. Manhoef delivers a zinger of a leg kick that buckles Kennedy.
Kennedy shoots in and finally gets a takedown and of course, this is Manhoef so he gets mounts within like five seconds. Way to Ranger Up, homie.
It's not too long before Kennedy is choking Manhoef out. If you believed Kennedy was gonna stand with Manhoef, I got a bridge with a leprechaun blowing a unicorn while The Loch Ness Monster watches to sell you.
Winner: Kennedy via submission (rear naked choke), R1 3:41
Women's Welterweight Championship: Marlos Coenen (c) vs. Liz Carmouche
Uuuuuuuuuuugh. Oh! Finally, six and a half minutes into the fight something cool happens when Coenen sinks in a standing guillotine and Carmouche powers out of it. She lands in Coenen's guard and lands some nice ground and pound. She starts throwing some knees to the champ's shoulder, straight raw dog-style.
Carmouche batters the hell out Coenen until the champ locks in a triangle out of nowhere. This is weird, apparently they're reenacting Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen on the Strikeforce. Didn't get that press release.
Here's the thing about this: I'm all for equal rights but when someone is hired on by the company on two week's notice to face the CHAMPION and the fight goes like this, how deep is the talent division? I'm bleeding heart liberal as it gets but sometimes fights stink and just because it's two women doesn't mean it's automatically awesome.
Props for the come from behind victory, though. That was sweet.
Winner and still champion: Coenene via submission (triangle), R4 1:29
Light Heavyweight Championship: Rafael Cavalcante (c) vs. Dan Henderson
They start circling around and Feijao lands some leg kicks. Hendo lands some bombs but the champ responds in kind and Hendo starts wobbling backwards! It seems like it was a slip because he immediately clinches up and takes the champ down.
Not much action in the rest of the round but the replay shows that wasn't no slip. That was a straight up hit, son!
Hendo gets a takedown but Cavalcante is all sweeparoo and ends up on top. They get stood up because nothing ain't happening and Hendo body clinches up and gets another takedown.
Hendo finally lands the big right hand in the third and it's over. I can't say it's too impressive, that dude lost to Mike Kyle.
Winner: Henderson via knockout (punch), R3 0:50
You can call me a UFC nuthugger but the Strikeforce Light Heavyweight belt means eff all. Props to Hendo for being a 40-year old dude knocking suckers out but he's competing in a shallow pool.
SBN member John Danaher's Hair put it perfectly: Big fish, little pond.
Hendo is a great guy a legend but I can't get all amped up for this win. The knockout was pretty sweet, though. How weird is that? Both championship fights were pretty "eh" but had killer finishes.
Biggest Winner: Liz Carmouche
Biggest Loser: Melvin Manhoef
Biggest Punch: H-Bomb (seriously though, screw you Mauro)
Alright, my peanuts, I will see you next week. Make sure to check out my History in the Making series while you're dicking around MMAMania. And tell Jesse and Geno that you love them, they need it.