Like Jean Grey rising from the ashes, I have come back to MMAMania! TO STAY!
Alright, theatrics aside, I've missed you little buggers. The kiddo got sick and then I ended up getting sick and it was all Bad News Bears. But I'm healthy as an ox out to stud so let's get this bangerlanger started.
You know what ruins an otherwise awesome fight? Billy, you had your hand up first, go ahead.
"Piss poor judging?"
Oh, you would think that but you're wrong.
The correct answer is actually "my ish don't stink" fans.
Yeah, dude, I'm sure you'll make a MUCH better judge based on your blog, your Twitter account, and the view from your couch. It's easy as crap to wag a Cheeto dust covered finger at judges when they, in your eyes, blow a decision but it's not so easy to heave yourself off the couch and actually do something to make a difference like apply to be a judge.
No, just send snarky comments 140 characters at a time because that's gonna do a whole lot of good, ya jackwagons.
And now... FIGHT FIGHTS!
There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Rob Van Dam match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.
– Ugh. Like forks in my eyes. Usually using this time to get myself a drink or catch up on Twitter (SHAMELESS PLUG~!: @SERG1Otx).
– Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office.
– Middle of the pack! These fights go one of two ways: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame.
– A great fight, to be sure, but it's missing that one crucial element. The one little thing that you can't quite put your finger on that keeps it from going FULL ON GUIDA~!.
– Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!
And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!
Lightweight: Danny Castillo vs. Joe Stevenson
Can the WEC get some props here?
Or will big brother UFC (in the noogie sense, not the 1984 sense) pink belly the beloved promotion into submission?
LIL BRO FTW!!! Castillo looked good against an always game Stevenson and just picked him apart on their feet. Stevenson got a takedown or two but the fight was pretty much all "Last Call."
Unfortunately, ol' "Joe Daddy" might get the boot after this loss. Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we? For full effect, play "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan while you do this.
Winner: Castillo via decision (unanimous), 30-27/29-28/29-28
Light Heavyweight: Cyrille Diabaté vs. Steve Cantwell
DAMMIT, STEVE!!! PUT YOUR FRICKIN' HANDS UP!!!
This fight became insanely frustrating around the beginning of the third when you realized that Diabaté wasn't going to finish Cantwell and Cantwell wasn't going to let himself get knocked out.
Winner: Diabaté via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-26/30-25 <--- DAYUM!
Bantamweight: Brian Bowles vs. Damacio Page
How does that old saying go? Don't look a gift horse in the mouth? No, not that one. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink? That's not it either. Oh! Then it's gotta be that once you go black, you never go back.
Well, THAT one ain't true.
Oh, now I remember! Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it!
Except this time Page wasn't conscious enough to tap out. WAR CAMERON FRYE!
Winner: Bowles via submission (GILL-OH-TINE as Frank Mir would say it), R1 3:30
Light Heavyweight: Todd Brown vs. Igor Pokrajac
If Pokrajac was a Dungeon and Dragons character, he would get +5 Toughness for his name and another +10 Strength for being from Eastern Europe.
Seriously, none of our fat asses would have made it in Croatia in the '80s. We would have been kidnapped as babies by a band of gypsies and sold as human sex slaves. Maybe, if we were lucky, we'd be saved sometime in our late teens or early 20s but by that point, it'd be too late. We would talk like Jodie Foster in Nell and freak out when someone turned the lights off.
IT'S AMAZING TODD BROWN LASTED AS LONG AS HE DID AGAINST SUCH A WARRIOR!
Winner: Pokrajac via TKO (strikes), R1 5:00
Middleweight: Alessio Sakara vs. Chris Weidman
Man, I really like Sakara. I mean, what's NOT to like?
Bad ass tattoos? Check. Burly as hell beard? Check. Fan-friendly style? Hell yeah check!
But he looks sluggish out there. Weidman was a late replacement, came in at less than a month's notice, and took Sakara to school.
Winner: Weidman via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27
Middleweight: C.B. Dollaway vs. Mark Muñoz
Dollaway got wrecked by The Filipino Wrecking Machine. Early stoppage? Yeah, if you're Jesse Taylor and wouldn't mind seeing C.B. get punched in the head a few more times.
Winner: Muñoz via KO (punches), R1 0:54
Lightweight: Shane Roller vs. Thiago Tavares
Roller decides NOT to takedown Tavares for some reason even though he's an awesome wrestler and the word "takedown" is actually plastered across his wang. He pays for it too in the first round when the Brazilian staggers him.
He gets his bearings straight in the second and comes in with a beautiful combination, a 3-1 I think, and the jab goes straight down the pipe Mario-style and shoves Tavares' mouthpiece into the back of his jaw.
What's awesome is that Roller trains literally five minutes away from where I work. I offered to buy him Freebirds once he gets back in town and if he accepts, you can accept some FanPost hilarity. But actually, that dude just won 40 Gs so maybe he should buy me lunch.
Counting Cerrone's win at UFC 126, WEC lightweights are now 3-0 against UFC lightweights. For some reason, and I can't exactly pinpoint why, I think of this.
Winner: Roller via KO (punch), R2 1:28
Welterweight: Martin Kampmann vs. Diego Sanchez
Diego is looking tuuuuuuubby. I don't like the shaved head look. I would much rather have Conquistador Diego.
I tried to rock the Van Dyke for a while but my mustache comes in too thin.
Kampmann starts off strong and is just picking Sanchez apart. Kampmann busts him up bad in the first round and stuffs every single takedown Sanches throws his way. Diego comes out in the second swinging like Leonard Garcia and ends up winning a few of the exchanges.
Now, granted, I've never been in the cage so I don't know how one's brain works when they're in there fighting it out. But it seemed obvious to me that Sanchez had the most success when he had the Dane pushed up against the cage. So why not try to keep him there,
Third round starts and Kampmann's eye looks like my ex-girlfriend's cat Sookie got a hold of it. That cat was a little effer. More of the same as the second: Sanchez swinging wildly and connecting less than half the time and Kampmann trying hard to counter while not getting knocked out.
Kampmann lands a HUGE punch that might have very well broken Sanchez's eyeball bone but the yin to that yang is that he also ends up breaking his hand.
By the end of the fight, Sanchez looks like he would win 1st place in a Fedor Look-A-Like contest and Kampmann better learn how to "have fun" with his other hand for 6-8 weeks.
Winner: Sanchez via decision (unanimous), 29-28/29-28/29-28
Diego won but at what price?
Oh! That price. Seriously, between this and the Penn fight, poor Diego is gonna look like Jigsaw.
Alright, my little peanuts, I'll see you in a few days for Strikeforce: Feijao vs. Henderson.