I write this while watching Hillbilly: The Real Story on The History Channel. It's a two hour special about moonshining and coal miners and NASCAR and it's hosted by Billy Ray Cyrus. HELL! YES!
The GF asks the questions, "Why are all historians so damn ugly?" Valid point, I guess.
But this is all besides the point. There were some FIGHT FIGHTS~! yesterday and we got a good mix of finishes and decisions including a candidate for Submission of the Year. Man, I'm all giddy just thinking about that sub.
But who subbed who? And how??? I reckon you'll have to keep reading to find out.
Reckon? Oh, Hillbilly: The Real Story YA GOT ME AGAIN!
There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Rob Van Dam match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.
– Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office.
– Middle of the pack! These fights go one of two ways: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame.
– Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!
And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!
Heavyweight: Sean McCorkle vs. Christian Morecraft
"World of" Morecraft spends most of the first round bumping and grinding McCorkle against the cage and spends most of the second round choking him unconscious. Not too shabby.
Winner: Morecraft via submission (gangsta choke out), R2 4:13
Bantamweight: Edwin Figueroa vs. Michael McDonald
Man, I was really hoping for this guy:
Damn, this crooner can squab! McDonald is landing cleanly while Figueroa is Leonard Garcia-ing it up. Give it up to Figster, though, he's got a helluva chin. Oh damn, Figueroa gets wobbly yuled at the last second and does some stanky leg action. Not looking good for my peeps.
Figster must have heard me because he comes out in the second and straight kicks that fool IN DA FACE! McDonald ain't playing that mess and takes him down and almost sinks in a RNC. Well done. Playa, play on.
McDonald is throwing out submissions like I do my phone number at a high school. How that crazy fool Figgy's arm did not get broke, like 14 times, in this fight, I SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW. You're doing Texas proud, Figster. Now don't screw it up in the third by doing something stupid like getting one hitter quitter'd.
Figgy looks tired. Hell, I'd be tired too if I spent five minutes keeping some dude from breaking my arm. Figarooni is windmilling those punches but McDonald is keeping it cool and landing accurate and stiff punches. McDonald just totally outclassed my fellow Texan. Props.
Winner: McDonald via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27
Welterweight: John Hathaway vs. Kris McCray
Remember when John Hathaway was the future of the welterweight division? Yeah, me neither. This fight became a battle of who could take down who the most. I was shocked -- SHOCKED -- that McCray did as well as he did. Hell, I even thought he won the fight.
How in the world did Hathaway beat Diego Sanchez?
Winner: Hathaway via decision (split), 29-28/28-29/29-28
Featherweight: Alex Caceres vs. Mackens Semerzier
I met Semerzier after he shocked the world and triangled Wagnney Fabiano. He was a swell dude and was even the first guest on the MMA radio show I hosted. Then he hasn't won a fight since. Tap or Snap Radio curse? Njokuani isn't doing so hot, either. He was on the show a few times.
Jason High, though, has been on a tear. Geez, do I have a thing for black guys? <Answer: Yes>
"Da Menace" doesn't have too many problems with "Bruce Leeroy" in this fight, though, and finds himself back in the win column after a perfectly executed RNC.
Winner: Semerzier via submission (rear naked choke), R1 3:18
Heavyweight: Jon Madsen vs. Mike Russow
Two big dudes throwing punches and getting tired within a couple of minutes?
Man, I *already* watched The Ultimate Fighter 10.
Winner: Russow via TKO (doctor stoppage), R2 5:00
Featherweight: Leonard Garcia vs. Chang Sung Jung
I remember watching their first fight in a nearly-empty Buffalo Wild Wings. Man, WEC never got no respect.
Jung straight sticks it to Garcia, doesn't want to leave this mess to the judges. He lands some nice knees but man, you gotta finish Garcia to be guaranteed a win against that fool.
This fight is pretty bad ass.
Jung and Garcia throw stereo head kicks and Garcia flops to his back. Jung gets on top and lands some nice ground and pound and THEN UNLEASHES A FREAKING TWISTER~! HOLY HELL, THAT WAS AWESOME! I have never seen one of them mugs in MMA. Wow, freaking wow.
Winner: Jung via submission (MFing TWISTER~!), R2 4:59 <--- OH MAN!
Welterweight: DaMarques Johnson vs. Amir Sadollah
I started an online betting account but it wasn't set up in time to bet on this card. Which kinda sucked because I wanted to put some cash on Johnson. He was the 'dog and I felt I could make some good money on him. Oh, how wrong I was.
Thank you, unnamed betting website for making me jump through hoops to set up an account because I would have lost some damn money. Sadollah made the time he spent in Thailand count for something because he absolutely dominated Johnson.
He finished the fight landing some killer elbows on the ground and I can only imagine how it feels to have a dude WHO TRAINED IN THAILAND landing elbows on my dome. Shudder.
Winner: Sadollah via submission (strikes), R2 3:27
Welterweight: Dan Hardy vs. Anthony Johnson
Hey, you know how hard Anthony Johnson kicks? So hard that you can block it and it'll still knock yo' ass down. "Rumble" then smothers and pounds Hardy for five minutes. In a fight, that's domination. In a porn, that's awesome.
Johnson opens the second real smart-like with a takedown. Hey man, wrestling wins fights. Or so they tell me. Also, Darrel P.S. Hayes threaten to knock out Rodie Jon but only with his right hand because that's the hand he jerks off with so it's stronger.
That fool ain't ambidextrous? I know someone for 15 years and I don't really know him at all.
Late in the second, Hardy shows some killer takedown defense but he's still down on the cards. Aaaaand third round is no different except Johnson comes close to finishing the fight with an arm triangle and then with a neck crank.
Johnson straight wrestled Hardy and won. Dan, homie, learn to wrestle or you'll be fighting Lyman Good in Bellator. Crowd don't like it but they can ess the dee.
Winner: Johnson via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27
Light Heavyweight: Phil Davis vs. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira
Phil Davis looks like a damn action figure. Didn't I play with that fool when I was a kid?
BODY MASSAGE MACHINE GO!
Smart money is on Davis but my PRIDENEVERDIE heart is rooting for Lil Nog. Ugh, he looks so old. He's only 34 but that hard knock Brazilian life has aged him to look like he's 52. Those poor Brazilians. They're blessed private parts-wise but they gotta live in a country that will make a teenager looked like he's middle-aged.
LOOK AT JOSE ALDO'S FACE! That's some gangster stuff like that. You'll never see a dude like Matt Hughes from Ohio or Iowa or wherever with a gnarly scar on his face like that. We Americans are coddled. Except Jon Jones. Maybe he was raised by Christian wolves or something before Greg Jackson found him and Jungle Book'd his ass. That dude is a beast.
Anyway, Lil Nog does pretty good for himself at first, stuffing all of Davis' takedowns so I'm all, "Yeah? YEAH?? IS HE GONNA DO IT?!?" But no, he does not. Davis lands a takedown in the second and pounds Lil Nog to a point where he's pretty much useless in the third.
Winner: Davis via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/30-27
Man, I can't believe Lil Nog has lost two fights in a row to guys with barely 20 fights between them. The sport is moving fast, little Maniacs.
Alright, I'll check you next week for Strikeforce: Diaz vs. Daley. OH! Speaking of the Diaz Bros., I work with a girl who is FROM Stockton! And a couple of weeks ago, she had to fly home because one of her friends WAS SHOT AND KILLED!
Them Diaz Bros. were right. Stockton is a rough city.
Also, full disclosure: I've already seen the Hillbilly show once. This is my second go-round.