Wut it dew, little Maniacs?
I can't tell you how pumped I was for this card. Even my mom called me and said, "Son, you're an idiot if you think Rua is gonna win. Jump aboard the Jones Bandwagon, sucka."
Alright, that didn't happen.
Mom's a "Shogun" fan. She does call me son, though. She also did a swimsuit calendar in 2000.
Usually we have a few guys out for the fights, tonight is a packed house! We got Darrel P.S. Hayes, Soccer Jordan, Jumpin' Jonny, Rodie Jon and even some new cats Donald and Chad. They don't get nicknames because they have to come to three CONSECUTIVE events first. Not just three total, three in a row! I don't just hand these pet names out like candy, people.
I've got 50 bucks riding on "Shogun," let's do this mess!
Leading up to the fight, my sleep cycle was all out of whack. I headed down to Austin Thursday morning for South by Southwest and drove back home the next day. When I got to my bed, I crashed for about four hours which ended up keeping me awake until 5am.
But it was cool since I got this piece done. I'm particularly proud of it so check it out if you haven't already. So asleep at 5am, awake at 8am to take care of the kiddo. That's the life of your Friendly Neighborhood Parent/MMA Writer.
There's a very specific scientific formula that goes into the ratings. In fact, I'm relatively sure I've discovered a new mathematical theorem in creating the scale. I've sent the data off to NASA to be analyzed. The amount of action, the technical prowess involved, and the number of times I start chanting like an old school ECW fan during a Rob Van Dam match are all taken into account when rating each fight. If you disagree, I suggest you fill out a Three T Form.
– Relatively boring fight with a few flashes of action. Nothing to write home about. This rating is unofficially called "The UFC 119 Award" around the office.
– Middle of the pack! These fights go one of two ways: an either solid affair all the way around or a lackluster fight with a spectacular finish. Sometimes a potential 4 Guida drops off in the last round and that's just a damn shame.
– Damn near perfect fight. This is one of those fights where I quickly dart off between rounds to empty my bladder or grab a drink as to not miss one second of the action. You know the fights I'm talking about!
And heeeeeeeere weeeeeeeee gooooooo!
Lightweight: Kurt Pellegrino vs. Gleison Tibau
Looking at Tibau, I use the term 'lightweight' loosely. That fool is swoll. Not much action in the first round. Second round starts real slow and I'm worried that this fight is gonna be a snoozer. Should I refill my drink now or... OH MAMA! 'Batman' wobbley yules Tibau and puts him on homosexual avenue.
So what does he do? Pellegrino takes him down and lets him recover. Killer instinct, man, c'mon! Tibau survives into the third and goes on to dominate the final five minutes but he'll probably drop the decision by two rounds to one.
Oh, at the end of the third, Pellegrino flippy poos and trys to roll into a kneebar. I <3 kneebars.
Winner: Tibau via decision (split), 29-28/28-29/29-28
Huh? Pellegrino is a hometown boy, I reckon a judge or two might get capped by some Jersey Shore homies. Or they might just force the judges to look at Snooki in a bikini. I'd rather get shot.
Welterweight: Ricardo Almeida vs. Mike Pyle
Pyle single-handedly derailed the John Hathaway Hype Train and while I like Almeida, he came out to Social Distortion. I really, really hate Social Distortion.
Lots of dancing around to start off but Almeida is able to control most of the clinch action and land some nice punches. A takedown by Almeida starts off the second round but Pyle stands up quickly. Aaaaaaand I'm getting another drink.
Crowd is starting to pepper the cage with boos. Man, they are really hating on this fight. Pyle lands a nice knee that snaps Almeida's head back but doesn't cause any lasting damage. The fight ends and the crowd is not happy.
We spent most of the fight talking about In-N-Out Burger. Rodie swears that he order a "2x2." We asked him, "Double double?" He said, "Nope. I ordered a 2x2 and got french fries with Thousand Island dressing and melted cheese on top." Can any of you Maniacs confirm or deny this?
Winner: Pyle via decision (unanimous), 30-27/30-27/29-28
Huh? What I did see of this fight, I saw Almeida winning. These judges are straight wonky, yo.
Lightweight: Edson Barboza vs. Anthony Njokuani
Njokuani is my boy. We're both from Dallas, we've hung out, he's my boy! Dammit, I hope he wins tonight.
Doesn't start off well for "The Assassin" as he eats a looping hook and gets wobbled for it. He fights through it and begins to use his reach too keep Barboza at bay. Njokuani got rocked early on but he controlled the later half of the round so it could go either way. Actually, Barboza controlled the pace even in the latter half so he might have taken it. Crap.
Second round is more Njokuani as he catches a kick and forces Barboza to hop along before landing the takedown. Njokuani probably takes the second. I'm feeling good about it. The third round is harder to score up until Barboza lands a sweet spinaronni kick that staggers the Nigerian. Damn, I think Njokuani just lost the fight.
Winner: Barboza via decision (unanimous), 29-28/29-28/29-28
Damn, I was right. I'm gonna need another drink stat. I still ain't nothing but love for my homie, Anthony.
Light Heavyweight: Luiz Cane vs. Eliot Marshall
Does Cane look like Murilo Rua to anyone? Am I that drunk already?
Marshall is not having a nice welcome back party. Cane showed up to the break room, knocked the cake on the floor, tore the streamers down, and took a dump on the floor.
Cane literally beats on Marshall for what seems like two minutes. And it's not like, when you're running late two minutes. Those two minutes are like 10 seconds. This was like, sit in an empty room and start a stopwatch and sit there for two minutes. It's freaking FORever.
Winner: Cane via TKO (like, AH million strikes), R1 2:15
Featherweight: Raphael Assuncao vs. Eric Koch
PRELIMS~! Soccer Jordan asked if that was the dude from Hitman. Yep, it is. He got that tattoo on the back of his skull lasered off. Was it on the back of his skull? I never got into those games.
Assuncao is content to stand and trade with Koch which doesn't make sense for someone who, y'know, doesn't have good stand-up.
Dammit! I used my OH MAMA for the Pellegrino/Tibau fight! Koch lands a counter that lands clean on Assuncao's button and knocks him out clean. CLEAN. Like arms sticking out, stiff as a board clean. I'm all for fighter safety but stuff like that makes me loooooooooove MMA.
Winner: Koch via KO (punch), R1 x:xx
Have to admit. Still bummed about Njokuani. Hope he doesn't get cut. That knockout cheered me up a bit, though. VIOLENCE~!
Heavyweight: Mirko Filipovic vs. Brendan Schaub
According to Soccer Jordan, Schaub walks out looking like Ben Affleck from Good Will Hunting. Can't say I disagree.
"CroCop" walks out looking like a Muppet. I don't know if my heart can handle this.
Schaub lands a takedown and lands some alright ground and pound before Mirko is able to explode out and clinch him up against the fence.
We also discussed porn star names. I was working under the assumption that it was your first pet and your first street. Right? Porn star name of the night goes to Jumpin' Jonny: Muffin Melrose or Blackie Melrose. Muffin was the family dog when he was born but he doesn't remember her, Blackie was the first dog he could remember. Either way, the name rocks.
"CroCop" lands an upkick that's suspect and the room is torn Civil War-style as to whether or not it was illegal. Instant replay clearly shows Schaub's knee is down. Just like the South, they refuse to admit they were wrong. SOUTHERN PRIDE~!
Oh, goo, Schaub is gooping blood from his nose. I don't know how that happened, Mirko has only thrown like three punches. Schaub gets a point taken away for punching to the back to the cranium.
Also, Darrel P.S. Hayes DVRs Holly's World. Mock him appropriately.
Schaub gets dinger stingered to start the third and once he recovers, he lands two clean takedowns. Man, I just watched Critical Countdown 2005, I can't take watching "CroCop" perform like this.
Oh, hot damn. HOT MOTHEREFFIN' DAMN! Schaub lands a punch behind the ear and Mirko falls over like a ton of bricks. Schaub lands another punch that bobbles "CroCop's" head against the mat. That punch looked pretty dirty, homie.
Man, this card should be called UFC 128: Let's Break Sergio's Heart.
Winner: Schaub via knockout (punch), R3 3:44
Middleweight: Nate Marquardt vs. Dan Miller
Man, Miller wants that takedown so bad. He finally gets it and I can't help but be happy for the guy. Marquardt stands up and then immediately lands his own takedown. Way to be a jerk, man! Miller tries for a guillotine but nothing comes of it. They get stood up, Marquardt tries to show Miller again that takedowns aren't that hard and slams him down once again.
Biggest thing to happen in the second was another guillotine from Miller that everyone went nuts for but Marquardt popped out of. Miller is just severely outclassed in this fight. Thumbs up for taking the fight but you're out of your league, homie.
Also, I use the term 'homie' unironically. I started saying that because it's silly how often the Diaz Bros. say it but it slowly crept into my vernacular. Other cases of MMA doing this is BJ Penn's 'for sure, for sure' and Faber's 'bro.'
Third round is a snoozer.
Winner: Marquardt via decision (unanimous), 30x27/30x27/30x27
Lightweight: Jim Miller vs. Kamal Shalorus
The referee in this fight is 80% ears.
Shalorus decideds, "Hey, I've been a wrestler for most of my life. I'm gonna... STANDNBANG!" Neither fighter really gets an advantage in the first. Pretty entertaining, though.
Miller ends up getting back control and works hard for a guillotine. Shalorus is fighting it. Pretty good match-up we got here.
HOLY CRAP! Third round, Miller lands a SICK uppercut and then Shalorus keeps ducking down and finally Miller is like, "Alright, I guess I'll knee ya." So he does and Shalorus falls back and gets pounded out. The Lightweight Battle between UFC and WEC is now tied up 3-3.
Winner: Miller via TKO (punches), R3 2:15
Bantamweight: Urijah Faber vs. Eddie Wineland
Man, Wineland is giving it to Faber. Faber battles back and lands some stiff shots that Wineland just shrugs off. Baller. Wineland does have a nasty knot on his forehead, though.
Faber gets the takedown in the second and just starts throwing dem bows all over Wineland's face. Faber slams him down and lands another nice elbow right before the round ends.
Side note: Rodie Jon's girlfriend lives with her ex-husband and two kids in a three bedroom apartment. Or something. He also banged a married woman. She was a swinger. Or two. (Huh?)
Seriously, third round is Faber just landing clean on Wineland. They clinch up, Faber attempts a takedown, Wineland stuffs it, Faber changes levels, and slams him down. Game recognize game.
Winner: Faber via decision (unanimous), 29-28/29-28/29-28
Holy hell, I was so damn excited for this.
I can't even do a proper play-by-play. Let me just summarize the fight for you: Jon Jones beat the living hell out of Mauricio Rua. He beat the living hell out of him and made it look easy.
He basically chokeslammed him Undertaker-style in the first and stayed on top, landing punches and elbows. Rua got up at the end of the round and looked exhausted. Second was no different and by the time the third round came up, Rua was fighting on fumes.
Rodie Jon wouldn't shut his face about winning our bet but honestly, I was more in shock of how dominant Jones was. Everyone is calling for Jones/Silva but honestly, I'd rather see "Bones" establish himself as the 205 king first. He can destroy Rashad, then take on Jackson and/or Machida.
Beyond that, who at LHW could beat him? No, scratch that. Who can even make it a fight instead of just a one-sided beatdown?
Wow... just wow. I was worried that the fight was a whiskey-induced haze but that violence still exists today and in everyone's mind. You saw it, you can't unsee it.
Winner and NEW Light Heavyweight champion: Jones via TKO (strikes), R3 2:37
You can't dominate one of the greatest fighters ever and not get yourself Four Guidas.
That's it for me. I've got some Maker's waiting for me to bid goodbye to Spring Break properly. Keep yourselves safe, little Maniacs. Make sure that "Bones" isn't under your bed or in the closet.