You may not know this about me, but I actually communte daily from Portland, Oregon to Stockton California. It is a necessity for my lucrative importing-exporting business. As a result of this, I have come to know both Nick Diaz and Chael Sonnen quite well.
I recently decided it would be a good idea to sit both of these guys down and have a lovely fireside chat, about life, love and real estate.
Here's what happened:
Judo: Gentlemen, welcome to my humble abode. Thanks for taking the time to come by and chat.
Nick Diaz: What's that huge poster of Dan Severn doing on your wall man?
Judo: That's Freddy Mercury, of Queen. I'm a big music fan.
Nick Diaz: Cuz Dan Severn is alright, but he's a punk bitch cuz one time I ran into him at an event, and he said "hi, nice to meet you". Where I'm from, you can't let people disrespect you like that. So I put 'em up and said "let's do this homie". I don't remember what happened after that. Where am I again?
Chael Sonnen: Hey, are you gonna plug my website? Chaelsonnen.org. Username, not required, password, not required.
Judo: Sure Chael, we can do that.
Nick Diaz: I don't think Georges is really hurt,I think he's afraid to fight.
Judo: Um, we haven't talked about your fight with Georges yet.
Nick Diaz: Cuz Cesar told me I need to call that m*&therf&%$er out.
Chael Sonnen: Cesar? As in Cesar Gracie? You do know that he is an immigrant right Nick? And here, us gangsters don't listen to people from Brazil.
Nick Diaz: What's a brazil? Who are you?
Judo: Guys, let's get back on track. So, I wanted to ask each of you how you feel being so close to title shots? Chael, you may fight Anderson again and avenge your loss, and Nick you will take on GSP.
Chael Sonnen: Avenge my loss? Did you even see the fight? Can I check your pulse? Do you even know what MMA is? Are you on the same plain of reality as me and Nick?
Nick Diaz: I don't like flying. That's why I missed that press conference.
Chael Sonnen: What you need to understand when you're not busy feeding carrots to buses, is that I beat Anderson Silva to within an inch of his life. I pulverized him like a baker does bread. I used ground and pound more vicious than Tito uses on Jenna. And you think Anderson Silva won? Are you high????
Nick Diaz: Not right now, no.
Judo: But you realize that he made you tap from a triangle choke right?
Chael Sonnen: Tap? I didn't tap! I don't remember what I did, because quite frankly, when another man wraps his legs around your head, you become so disgusted that you begin to gag. That wasn't a tap, I was trying to put my hand over my mouth because I was about to vomit.
Judo: Nick, is it bittersweet knowing that you fought a legend, but may ultimately have caused the premature end of BJ?
Nick Diaz: What? I didn't do anything to make them outlaw bj's. I think if the ladies are you know, willing, then what's the problem? This one chick actually tried that sh*t on me after my last fight, so I threw up my middle fingers, said "let's do this, punk", and then slapped a triangle choke on her.
Judo: I don't know what to say to that.
Chael Sonnen: Exactly, because immigrants like you keep stealing the jobs of hard working Americans. You don't even know how to do your job properly.
Judo: You don't think that's a bit racist?
Nick Diaz:Ya, I run all kinds of races, like triathalons and sh%t. Makes me feel like, I dunno, you know? The problem is the money. I don't have sparring partners that went to school, so like ya. And they don't even pay me enough for me to have a house. I don't have a house.
Chael Sonnen: Here's my card Nick. We'll fudge.... I mean add up the numbers and find you something in your price point.
Judo: Well, this has been fun. Thanks for rapping with me.
Nick Diaz: I don't do that anymore, but my brother Nate has a mix tape.