Mixed Martial Animals [Updated]

Basically I was sitting at home bored and just thinking about our great sport and the upcoming bout between Brock Lesnar and Cain Velasquez. What was quite obviously striking about the bout is that both men are legitimate animals. And then, a funny thought popped into my head. So without wanting to be taken seriously I present to you my humble attempt at defining M.M.A (mixed martial animals).

The Swan

Quite simply this has to be Anderson Silva. The man brings a sheer beauty and grace to the sport that has no equal, but it belies the hidden power he possesses to break bones. Ask Franklin.


The Pig

 Not because he has a rotund figure or enjoys eating insane amounts of food, rather Roy Nelson is said animal due to his willingness to get down and dirty. He happily set about getting into the dirty work of engaging a Brazilian behemoth where others would fear to thread. Or sticking his nutsack in Kimbos face.


The Mule

Thiago Alves kicks like a mule. Ask Josh Kosheck who had his leg jacked over three straight rounds (but admirably fought through it, in vain). Crucially he is small but built like a brick shithouse.


The Horse Thiagos’s big brother in the equestrian family would have to be Mirko Filipovic. The man undeniably kicks like a horse and was a stud in his day, but now is the time to put him out to stud. God knows he’s earned it and with his new found sense of humour and being suitably hung he will surely have females riding him.


The Rhinoceros

On consultation with Heath Herring it was confirmed what charged at him was not human at UFC 87, but a fully formed and angry Rhinoceros. Built like a Tank and with the power and weight behind him to lend credence to these claims, Brock Lesnar you have been outed.


The Dog

Clay Guida embodies quite religiously and disturbingly the likeness of a dog. Not because of his oodles of energy that keep him bouncing around incessantly, or the way he’s on you "like a dog" from bell to bell. Rather it’s because he’s humps his opponents with gameful intent.


The Chicken

Kalib Starnes. Nate Quarry found this out when Kalib fled after he tried to catch him.


The Cat

Quite easily could be for his agility or softness of feet, but José Aldo is said animal for the way he can pounce/explode upon his prey at any given time without warning.


The Pigeon

Not only does Chael Sonnen shit on anyone who gets in his way/flight but he draws rapturous guffaws from people in the process, like me.


The Lion

George St. Pierre has the noble qualitys but also the respect of being a leader of the pride. Feared within the animal community, once he gets on top of you he smothers you until your death if your lucky. If not he’ll go for the kill.


The Gorilla

If Cheick Kongo didn’t beat his chest he’d still have a big ugly head like a Gorilla.


The Zebra

Jon Jones gets the shout not because he stands out from the crowd, or because he’s black and acts white in a kind of Uncle Tom way. Rather his perception is black and white. He either likes you or he doesn’t, he has no comprehension of grey.


The Eagle

Randy Couture. Not because he represents America but because he’s bald.



This is a non-exclusive or exhaustive list. If I think of any more I’ll be sure to throw them in and feel free to pitch in with the comments below? This is not serious so let’s not treat it as such.



The Brown Bear

Owing to his penchant for mauling humans this has to be Cain Velasquez. (Props - RachHeartsMMA)


The Shark

A scent of blood has being known to draw the most dreaded predator in the deep, in the Octagon it draws the bloodlust of Wanderlei Silva. A known killer. (Props - Jamie The Peach Hunter)


The Sloth

Jon Fitch. Enough said. (Props -  SouthCaliStunNa)


The Giraffe

An animal known for its lankiness like Stefan Struve. However Struve gets the nod on account that they both share a veracious appetite, Giraffes for grass and Stefan for punches. (Props -  Myself/SouthCaliStunNa)


The Hyena

BJ Penn has to be a Hyena. Loud, obnoxious yet small and ferocious. And runs like a bitch when the Lion (see above) comes calling. (Props -   Deuce02/ Ulf Murphy)


The T-Rex

Short and stubby are associated words. For Sean Sherk that extends to including his arms too. (Props -  LJ. )


The Boa Constrictor (Alternative)

Grabs ahold of you and its a wrap, Jon Fitch 101. (Props -  OJR)


The Chimpanzee

Known for its long gangly arms that trail the ground, this won't be the first (or indeed last) time Rashad Evans is called monkeylike. (Props -  RearNakedPoke)


The Viper

A striker, when it rears its head you can be sure its bringing the pain. Coincidentally, when Junior Dos Santos draws/cocks his arm you can be sure he's bringing a whole lotta hurting in an uppercut. (Props -  SouthCaliStunNa)


The Hen

Distinguished by its unique appearance a Hen bears an uncaany resemblance to Dan Hardy. Yet that is not our link, it is in fact because he spent so much time on his ass in his last fight I thought he was laying an egg. (Props - SouthCaliStunNa)


The Phoenix

A majestic animal famous for coming back from the dead. Coincidentally, Mauricio Rua is a majestic practictioner of Muay Thai and has come back from his own dead, knee surgery. And will have to dig deep to do so again. (Props - (shonuff) )


The Orangutan

Tito Ortiz is a known Oranguatn descendant, at least his head is anyway. (Props - (shonuff) )


The Fox

Smaller than the wolf or the hound, but there’s always method in his madness, much the same as one Sakuraba. (Props - (shonuff) )


The Fox

Smaller than the wolf or the hound, but there’s always method in his madness, much the same as one Sakuraba. A master of guile. (Props - (shonuff) )


The Crocodile

A broad creature with insane strength, something water buffalo can attest to. Matt Hughes is a broad shouldered man with insane farm boy strength, Ricardo Almeidas GP can attest to this. (Props - (shonuff) )


The Badger

A typically elderly animal, known for dog fights and its fighting spirits. It is not unusal that it bears the scars of war and willl not let go once it sinks its teeth in. Big Nog' also bears scars, is a veteran of "war" and has an aptitiude for sinking in some nasty chokes. (Props - (shonuff) )


The Rat (Alternative)

A much derided creature, and a shit stain on nature. Tito, for going into dirty filthy ho…les!. (Props - MMACHAMP )


The Roach

Widely hated and despite try to destroy one, they survive and put up a hell of a fight. Hey Diaz brothers! (Props - MMACHAMP )


The Dolphin

Occasionally graceful, more known though for being loud and obnoxious. They and Frank Mir endure however and still have a fan base. (Props - MMACHAMP )


The Piranhas

Only deadly when in a group. Camp Caesar Gracie take a bow. (Props - MMACHAMP )


The Goldfish (Alternative)

Famous for its googly eyes. Rashad Evans was made famous for googly eyes by a certain Karateka. (Props - sarah- )


The Weasel

Natures punchbag. It enjoys a good shit kicking. So does Jens Pulver. (Props - sarah- )


The Mongoose

He dances till his enemy strikes, steps aside, and bites as the Cobra’s stroke misses it’s mark. Like Goldfish in a barrel [see above]. Lyoto Machida you're our Mongoose. (Props - (shonuff))


The Hippopotamus (Alternative)

A fat and lethargic creature, but can run 35 mph and packs a helluva bite. Reminiscent of Roy Nelson. Both known to run fastest when food is in sight. (Props - (shonuff))


The Dodo

Now extinct because it was so stupid. James Toney is soon to be too for packing a picnic short on sandwiches. (Props - MMACHAMP)


The Python

Awesomely can dislocate its jaw to accommodate its intended prey. Rafael Dos Anjos did same, ironically it didn't accomodate his wallet though...bad one kid. (Props - (shonuff))


The Donkey

An oft-overlooked jack-of-all-trades, he doesn’t particularly excel in any one area. Also known for taking a shit kicking. So too is Forrest Griffin, he gets the nod on account of being known as an ass too however. (Props - ArlovsKang)


The Tasmanian Devil

Goes at it from start to finish without relenting, and appears as though raving-mad in the process, much like Diego Sanchez. (Props - ArlovsKang)


The Guinea Pig

A creature quite regularily found excerising its cardio, ironically Shane Carwin isn't but coincidentally he too is found carrying more drugs in his blood than a pharmacy. (Props - RearNakedPoke)


The Manatee

The name manatí comes from the Taíno, a pre-Columbian people of the Caribbean, meaning "breast". Not only does Joey Beltran have bigger breasts than my sister, he also looks like one. Take a bow. (Props - d*locc )


The Platypus

Is it a duck? Is it a beaver? What the hell is it? It’s a seven and a half foot blonde Korean? C’mon…be serious…there’s no such thing as a “Hong Man Choi”!. (Props - (shonuff))


The Polar Bear

It is the world’s largest land carnivore and also the largest bear. Brock Lesnar is a perfect match, not because he eats top contenders and is the largest heavyweight but he too also lives in the wilderness and hunts for his dinner. (Props - Puck Head)


The Cheetah

The worlds fastest animla, meet UFCs fastest LHW Frankie Edgar. Also known to one BJ Penn as a "cheetah" [in retard speech] for not standing in front of him like said retard would during a prize fight. (Props - Puck Head)


The Leech

Known to attach to their hosts and remain there until they become full. Jake Shields latches onto opponents and won't relinquish until victory is his. (Props - Puck Head)


The Donkey

A known Ass. So too is Frank Mir his natural descendant. (Props - Puck Head)


The Grizzly

Famous for packing mean, killer swipes. Shane Carwin is famous for packing mean, KO punches. (Props - Puck Head)


The Boa Constrictor

The boa will first strike at the prey, grabbing it , then proceeds to constrict the prey. Big Nog also likes to choke mo'fos (Props - Puck Head)


The Mantis Shrimp

Tiny, but possessing colossal punching power. Marlon Sandro fits the bill. (Props - Johnny WF)


The Poison Dart Frog

Weak and squishy on its own, it consumes dangerous substances to augment its power. Josh Barnett, anyone?  (Props - Johnny WF)


The Predator

Rocks some dreads, so too does Sokoudjou but he's the man on a different connection. Both live in a Jungle.  (Props - Hungry Troll)


The Ugly Monkey [see below]

Meet the ugly Forrest Griffin.  (Props - Newfie3)


The Thing

Sub par movie star meet sub par mma fighter Jeff Monson. Hey you look alike too!.  (Props - SouthCaliStunNa)


The Puffer Fish

Has the ability to bloat up it’s body and tries to intimidate enemies larger in actual size. After a thorough trouncing it will return to its rightful position high among the smaller fish. BJ Penn anyone? Especially with his big stupid puffy face after Edgar dethroned him  (Props - MM_Eh)

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