Are you ready for the apocalypse?

It has recently come to my attention that perhaps in our day to day lives as we enjoy our hobbies, work hard to get ahead in our society and spend time with friends and family we may naturally tend to forget some important world issues. Issues that we as mankind need to address; and without coming together in the spirit of cooperation as brothers and as human beings, our race as a whole may not survive. There are certainly many possible dangers on the horizon beyond our control that could easily change the history of this planet and wipe the human populace from the globe: the change in global climate, the world wide economic downturn, nuclear weapons and over population are just a few possibilities. I'm here today to address another topic with my fellow Maniacs, something I think gets overlooked a lot and something I myself, and I know others here on site, take very seriously.

Of course I'm talking about the:

Yes, Zombies. Where could they come from? Why is this an issue today? How do we protect ourselves? What types of Zombies are we dealing with here? Is there a cure?

I'll attempt to briefly address all these questions as well as give you the opportunity to present your own points of view on the subject and perhaps share some survival techniques to stave off what I personally believe to be an inevitability. Let me start with the obvious first, I'm going to address 2 questions with this one; "Where could they come from?" and "Why is this an issue today?".

It's an issue today because of recent advances in technology; of course people in the past weren't threatened by Zombies, as they lacked the chemical experimentation and bio technology required to accidently manufacture flesh eating, super soldier like creatures. In our time we've made such amazing advancements in technology that unfortunatley all it takes to make this horror a reality is one asshole scientist doing shit he isn't supposed to be doing in the first place. You can imagine how easily a vaccine, or a repellent or some type of new ultimate nutrition suppliment or genetic tampering could accidently produce human/animal mutation capable of creating flesh eating undead.

Moving on, "What types of zombies are we dealing with here?" and "What can we do to protect ourselves?".

There are a plethora of Zombie types, all capable of turning you into a human flesh eating machine. The animal variety is an X factor, there are so many unknown variables that I'm going to stick to the human variety. Needless to say, regardless of wether or not it is animal or human the key to putting a Zombie down is to aim for the head and neck. Always triple tap, and always decapitate to make sure the job is done.

The first type of Zombie is slow and busted; they're scrubs, essentially at the bottom of the food chain. They tend to retain some semblance of their human side; almost always quick to make excuses and ready to quit at the first sign of adversity. A perfect example of this type of Zombie would be:

Tito Ortiz

Luckily the target area for gunfire is absolutley humongous, and you would really have to try to miss shooting this guy in the head.

There are also Zombies with a lot less intelligence then even the first kind (very hard to believe I know). These types are fiesty, they don't know when to quit and refuse to face facts. Luckily this type of Zombie though annoying and relentless is not hard to take down. One grazing punch to the jaw will put them down, follow it up with the usual methods.

via assets.sbnation.com

The has been stripper/porn actress Zombie; generally accompanied by the first type of scrub Zombie we mentioned earlier.

The tactic used most often here is to keep her back facing you, as you're rummaging for supplies in the darkened, scorched wasteland that was once your home town; she entices you to approach and of course will attack once you're in striking range. The key here is to call out to the stripper/whore facing away from you, if she refuses to answer; I think you know what to do..

There are also sprinter Zombies that can cover a lot of ground VERY quickly; these are probably the most annoying kind, they are however cowardly, and it should be noted that most of their burst speed is used to run AWAY from a survivor with a shotgun rather than used to catch and devour prey.

***PROPS TO DrewMoney$$$ for bringing this to my attention

The most dangerous, explosive type of Zombie discovered to date; The Korean Zombie; avoid at all costs.

via www.cdn.sherdog.com

This is not by any means covering all types of Zombies, but these are some to watch out for and the ones that I think are best avoided.

So, is there a cure? Only one that I know of.

It's said that if a Zombie bites Chuck Norris, Chuck will not turn into a Zombie, the Zombie will turn into Chuck Norris. Obviously this has it's draw backs but it's definatley something I think merits looking into. If you all remember as children the old saying "How much Chuck could a Zombie Chuck if a Zombie could Chuck Chuck?". Is there enough Chuck to go around? Probably.

That's all I have for now, I hope this helps and I hope it was informative. We can all survive the coming onslaught if we work together and help eachother. I think in the end we all need to take a good, long, sobre look in the mirror and ask ourselves..