Episode nine of The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) 8 is now underway and the first few minutes are spent analyzing the recap of Kaplan vs. Nover, with special attention to the self-professed 'idiotic' gameplan of Dave Kaplan - which consisted of seeing how many Filipino fists it took to render him unconscious.
As expected, no one from Team Mir is impressed with Kaplan's performance, especially after the hype that was built up around his chin. Nover warns that any lightweights unfortunate enough to face him in the semifinals will feel the wrath of the 'Filipino Assassin'.
With only one light heavyweight fight remaining, attention turns to Krzysztof Soszynski as he prepares for his elimination fight against Team Red's Kyle Kingsbury. Soszynski is nursing an injured thumb but vows to fight through the pain. Coach Mir hires a "hand expert" named Don House to evaluate the damaged goods.
House gives him a prescription of ice and rest and even thinks Krzysztof could be the man to beat at 205lbs.
Back at the (other) house, Dave Kaplan invites Tom Lawlor to his pity party and starts to drink away the pain of losing to a man who eats baby ducks. Several vodka shots later, Kaplan goes from promising UFC prospect to Hank the Angry Dwarf. He issues an open challenge to the rest of the house to try and knock him out.
Anyone riveted by last week's combination of sushi and nut butter will be thrilled to learn that more penis pranks are on the way. In fact, Kaplan is the first to whip it out and figures who needs a fruit platter when you can just piss in a shot glass and triple-dog-dare your friends.
Dave Kaplan and Tom Lawlor take turns drinking each others urine. It was one of those moments where I wish I could have just pressed The Omni like Phineas Bogg and reappeared at another point in space and time.
Thankfully the segment redeems itself when Kaplan begs Lawlor to try and knock him out. Being the good sport that he is, Lawlor lands one square on the jaw and Kaplan folds up like George Jetson's car.
After going limp and speaking in tongues, Kaplan later reveals in the confessional that he wasn't really knocked out.
The producers tease us with some banter between Krzysztof and Kyle before going right back to the pranks. Ryan Bader (of all people) decides to lead the charge against Krzysztof as revenge for his role in previous pranks. The master plan is to move anything not nailed down into Krzysztof's room.
Doesn't get any more controversial than that.
Over at the gym, the one and only Dan "Hollywood" Henderson drops by to help Krzysztof prepare for his upcoming fight. Hendo speaks very highly of him and his presence seems to motivate the rest of Team Blue.
Krzysztof gets back to the house and is fairly impressed with the prank. Fellow Team Blue members Junie Browning and Shane Nelson recognize the amount of work needed to reverse it and scatter like roaches in daylight.
The moment we've all been waiting for has finally arrived and fortunately it doesn't involve anyone whipping out their meat stick.
Coach Mir is convinced the challenge will involve swimming. Not to suggest he's a bad swimmer, but I think his nickname on the high school swim team was 'Titanic'.
Coach Nogueira on the other hand is trying to stack the deck by practicing his skills in just about every major sport - except soccer, which just so happens to be the challenge for season eight.
Ironically, Nog is the only guy from Brazil who can't play soccer, and looks like the proverbial deer in headlights when confronted with the ball and net.
The goal is to take turns doing penalty kicks until one person reaches a score of ten. Winning prize is $10,000 for the coach and $1,000 for each team member.
During the competition, Kyle Kingsbury channels his inner-Mexican and screams GOALLLLLLLLLLLLL at Frank Mir every time he gets scored on. Mir responds later in the confessional by calling him and the rest of the Reds a bunch of losers who will never be studs.
Despite his inexperience, Nog takes the Coaches' Challenge through pure hustle. Mir may have had a shot but seemed to just mail it in when he was on defense. A bitter Mir knocks Nogueira's athleticism and boasts about his dominance in anything between them that is evenly matched.
Afterward, we start to get a closer look at Kyle Kingsbury and Krzysztof Soszynski. Kingsbury has fighting in his blood, following in the footsteps of his father and grandfather who had careers in boxing. Soszynski talks about growing up in communist Poland - all while putting the kitchen and dining room outside on the patio as he returns fire from the earlier prank.
The weigh-ins go off without a hitch and each guy talks up his game. Soszynski is the favorite (as expected) being the number one pick and Kingsbury thinks that the pressure of living up to expectations puts Krzysztof at a disadvantage.
Team Mir’s Krzysztof Soszynski (16-8-1) vs. Team Nogueira’s Kyle Kingsbury (7-1-1)
Round 1: Both fighters keep their distance and throw leather. Soszynski lands a nice body shot and they tie-up and go to the cage. Kingsbury using the knees and drops one in Soszynski's crotch. Herb Dean separates them and issues a warning. They restart in the middle and Kingsbury eats an uppercut. Soszynski follows that with a nice right and pushes Kingsbury to the cage. Both guys working the knees until Kingsbury scoops him up and drops him on his back. Soszynski slowly brings his legs up, grabs an arm and proceeds to execute one of the slowest armbars in TUF history. Kingsbury does not defend and taps out.
Krzysztof Soszynski defeats Kyle Kingsbury via submission (armbar).
After the fight, Soszynski (known for his striking) parades around the cage screaming "I got jiu-jitsu too!" Kingsbury runs back to the locker room and tries to figure out where he went wrong. He stands up and asks the guys not to hang their heads because they still have one more elimination fight before the semis.
Having said that, John Polakowski, who up until this point has served as the retarded wheel on the TUF shopping cart, must overcome the lanky George Roop in episode ten in order to keep things even between the teams.
Stay tuned next week for Polakowski versus Roop and the announcement of the semifinal match-ups.
See you in seven!