Monday morning madness: Very unofficial UFC 82 awards

by Ryan Harkness on Mar 3, 2008 10:04 AM EST

fightlinker ufc 82 awards Hey everyone! My name is Ryan and I'm from a Web site called Fightlinker.com. We do all sorts of wacky MMA-related content like funny news, funny radio shows, funny comics, and ... well, you get the idea.

The guys at MMAmania were kind enough to accept my offer to write a special column for you all on the condition that I don't swear too much or talk about penises. It'll be difficult, but I'm up for the challenge! Penis. Shit! Aw man. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Anyways, UFC 82 was this weekend and I think we can all agree that it was a pretty awesome show. For those of you who disagree, check your TIVO ... perhaps you were watching the IFL season opener by accident?

Now most people are usually pretty clinical with their event reviews, but that's not really how we roll. So let's break this event down Fightlinker stylez:

The "Hardest Head" award
Oh, how far Chris Leben has come since his early days on The Ultimate Fighter (TUF) where he lost (and cried) repeatedly. Although his recent success has very little to do with his ability to avoid getting punched in the face over and over. And over. And over. Alessio Sakara threw everything but the kitchen sink at Leben, but Leben kept on coming like some kind of creepy ginger Terminator. It'd be nice to say I think Chris could be a contender someday, but at the moment I'll just upgrade him from 'punching bag' to 'punching bag that punches back.' Another year will see if he develops further or his brain turns to mush from all the blunt force trauma. Either way, it should be entertaining.

The "Where the hell did this guy come from?" award
This definitely goes to Mr. McLovin himself, Dustin Hazelett. The guy looks exactly like a kid I used to beat up in high school, so I really should consider myself lucky that my victim didn't also have super secret striking abilities. The bookies basically wrote Hazelett off with "Snowball's chance in hell" odds, and even people in the know were counting on his jiu-jitsu to be his main weapon. I don't think anyone expected the one-two head kick and flying knee he unleashed at the beginning of his fight. Anderson Silva would have been proud.

The "Broken Dreams" award
I'm still going to give Evan Tanner the "Most Inspirational" award as well. But you can't deny that his storybook return to the UFC was completely ruined by Yushin Okami, who apparently didn't get the memo telling him he was supposed to lose. Jerk. Everyone and their mother warned me that Tanner might be coming in with some serious ring rust, but I ignored them. Smashing people's faces in is like riding a bike! You never really forget how to do it. Of course, Evan's performance looked like he'd left his bike buried in a snowbank for seven months. Anyways, this is nothing a few fights against poor TUF riff-raff won't fix. Even Rocky lost in the first Rocky movie, right?

The "Largest breasts" award
Goes to Diego Sanchez, who's extra bulk has resulted in some serious pectoral growth. Even Octagon girl Edith Labelle was said to be jealous of Diego's supple smooth mammories. Me, I just couldn't get past the jheri curl.

And that's it for me this week, people. Make sure to send all mail bombs to the MMAmania guys -- we've already got enough of that where I'm from. And if you're down with the idea that maybe it's okay to laugh at the world of MMA from time to time, come check out my site, Fightlinker.com.

It's really quite not very terrible at all! And that's a guarantee. Penis.

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Comments

Smooth, supple boobs and a jheri curl, eh? Now I’m even more disappointed that Diego’s fight wasn’t shown. That would have been a nice flashback to my middle school crushes.

by PW on Mar 3, 2008 10:18 AM EST reply actions

Not a bad write up. I still like the technical fight break downs but a little humor is always welcome.

by Getrawbc on Mar 3, 2008 10:20 AM EST reply actions

HaHa! “Super secret striking abilities.” Good stuff.

Smooth, supple boobs and a jheri curl, eh? Now I’m even more disappointed that Diego’s fight wasn’t shown. That would have been a nice flashback to my middle school crushes.

Yeah, now I’ve got to download this fight because now all sorts of images are going through my head!

by wAyNe on Mar 3, 2008 10:21 AM EST reply actions

WOW, no wonder why I only post on MMAmania. Are all the other sites as gay as this kids? I think he is much more obssessed with penises than he is with MMA.

by ViolentMike on Mar 3, 2008 10:54 AM EST reply actions

I was fully expecting to read about the “Tightest Ass” award, the “Cutest Smile” award and the “UFILF” award, the “Utlimate Fighter I’d Like to F***”.

by ViolentMike on Mar 3, 2008 10:55 AM EST reply actions

Yeah, no “LOL” for me. Penis.

by Billy Carnage on Mar 3, 2008 11:22 AM EST reply actions

Now I know why I never heard back about a job from you, you got this guy!

by theCloser on Mar 3, 2008 11:22 AM EST reply actions

WOW, no wonder why I only post on MMAmania. Are all the other sites as gay as this kids? I think he is much more obssessed with penises than he is with MMA.

I hear Junkie has a thread discussing bulges and packages after every UFC event. Also, the site members there have a 96% approval rating of Lesnar’s phallic chest tattoo.

by PW on Mar 3, 2008 11:37 AM EST reply actions

lol diegos jerry curl …funny shit

by PATRICK on Mar 3, 2008 11:43 AM EST reply actions

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just a side note, Leben can’t get a title shot to Silva, he has not chance to take another punishment from Silva.

I think Diego Sanchez develop his man boobs from Ali, lucky bastard,oh shit, can I said boobs in mmamania?

by Diego on Mar 3, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions

Lesnar’s chest tattoo is about the most awesome thing in existence. What’s better than a homophobe with a penis tattoo? A nazi with an ‘IDIOT’ tattoo across his forehead? Maybe. But not quite.

by Fightlinker.com on Mar 3, 2008 12:21 PM EST reply actions

How about a Nazi with an “I HAVE A SMALL PENIS” tattoo: http://fightlinker.com/blog/?p=773

Whoops, I said penis too.

by kentyman on Mar 3, 2008 12:43 PM EST reply actions

Lesnar’s chest tattoo is about the most awesome thing in existence. What’s better than a homophobe with a penis tattoo? A nazi with an ‘IDIOT’ tattoo across his forehead? Maybe. But not quite.

How do we know he’s a homophobe? I thought maybe he could be a self-loather, but then I remembered his fling with super-milf Sable.

by PW on Mar 3, 2008 1:12 PM EST reply actions

WOW, no wonder why I only post on MMAmania. Are all the other sites as gay as this kids? I think he is much more obssessed with penises than he is with MMA.

C’mon VM, a little gay humor never hurt anyone. Speaking of which, anyone heard from Wildman?

by chefdaddy on Mar 3, 2008 1:26 PM EST reply actions

C’mon VM, a little gay humor never hurt anyone. Speaking of which, anyone heard from Wildman?

i heard wildman was fighting in siberia in a russian deathmatch with marlon simms.

by b.w. on Mar 3, 2008 1:35 PM EST reply actions

I thought that Dustin Hazelett looks alot like John Fitch and Kos said that in his mania interview. So maybe the kid that you use to beat up in highschool was Fitch?
PENIS

by #1 Jackal on Mar 3, 2008 1:50 PM EST reply actions

How do we know he’s a homophobe?

Here’s how: http://fightlinker.com/blog/?p=1460

by kentyman on Mar 3, 2008 3:16 PM EST reply actions

Yeah, Brock went on record with Sports Illustrated to say he specifically hates gay people.

http://fightlinker.com/blog/?p=1460

by Fightlinker.com on Mar 3, 2008 3:23 PM EST reply actions

Excellent read Fightlinker! Don’t feel the need to justify yourself to anyone.

by Higgz on Mar 3, 2008 3:46 PM EST reply actions

Very nice article. Hope we see more of this.

by Jono on Mar 3, 2008 4:05 PM EST reply actions

Yeah, Brock went on record with Sports Illustrated to say he specifically hates gay people.

http://fightlinker.com/blog/?p=1460

Still doesn’t mean he’s not a self-loather. ;)

by PW on Mar 3, 2008 4:13 PM EST reply actions

I love all feedback, good and bad. Excited to see what the MMA Mania people think.

by Fightlinker.com on Mar 3, 2008 4:18 PM EST reply actions

I’ve never heard of this “fightlinker” guy, but I hope he gets to post here more often. Good find, mania.

by atom on Mar 3, 2008 6:49 PM EST reply actions

WAR FIGHTLINKER!!!

by john on Mar 3, 2008 7:47 PM EST reply actions

I love fightlinker, I’ve been going to his site for a while he has just a crazy outlook on MMA and thats what we need I’m tired of Kevin ole( thinks thats his name) from yahoo who just kiss a$$ t get articles fightlinker goes balls to the wall.fightlinker was the first site that put up the email spike to get ufn a 3 hour event, keep up the good work.

by SMOKESUTTIN on Mar 3, 2008 8:19 PM EST reply actions

I was fully expecting to read about the “Tightest Ass” award, the “Cutest Smile” award and the “UFILF” award, the “Utlimate Fighter I’d Like to F***”.

lmao!

by c-war on Mar 3, 2008 10:05 PM EST reply actions

I actually kind of liked the article. It was entertaining.

by c-war on Mar 3, 2008 10:07 PM EST reply actions

I was fully expecting to read about the “Tightest Ass” award, the “Cutest Smile” award and the “UFILF” award, the “Utlimate Fighter I’d Like to F***”.

LOL… How did i know you’d have a problem with the penis part, so funny.

I agree with him on Diego though, that guy is like a gay poster boy

by ToeLock on Mar 4, 2008 7:53 AM EST reply actions